A Different Approach to Differences in Relationships

We are all unique, therefore by nature we are all going to be different; when you can react with acceptance, you find inner peace with that relationship

An installation at The Broad, a museum in Los Angeles. Photo credit: Maude Mayes

Hi there: Phil and Maude here. Today’s post is about something we consider a subtle element of our peaceful relationship. If you like our writings and would like to show your support, please subscribe or buy us a coffee!

PHIL: I have been talking about differences a great deal recently, and that is because it seems to me that differences are the source of friction between people, whether it’s what movie to watch or where to live.

Maude and I are quite different in many ways. One is the kinds of relationships we have with people. I have a limited capacity for socializing; she is on the phone for hours each day, or so it seems. We differ on territoriality, shopping style, approaches to healthcare. Yes, we also have plenty in common: a love for steam engines, road trips, the Coen brothers.

I want to say two things about these differences.

Sometimes they don’t matter at all, but when they do, they never cause problems. I look at my reaction, and sometimes it’s stupid; I can let it go. If I can’t, I look at why, and how important it is for me. And if it is important, we talk and resolve it.

They all live in the shadow of our connection, and that connection is so much larger than any differences that the differences fade in comparison. It is not that we compromise to maintain the relationship. Instead, the strength of the connection makes any differences irrelevant. (I realize this may not be true for everyone, and I think the answer there is to look at core values.)

The second thing about differences is something we haven’t emphasized before: that when your partner is different, it shows you a different way of doing things. If you can get past your ideas of how things should be done, you can say, well, I see things this way, but what if I saw them their way? I do things this way, but what if I did them that way? Maude’s effortless connection with and support for her friends is an inspiration. I don’t want to copy her, but it makes me look at my relationships in that light.

We have all made for ourselves a nest in which we try to live comfortably in the world, but it also constrains us, and incorporating the differences of our partners and friends is an opportunity to expand that nest and live a more spacious life.

MAUDE: For a while now, Phil has been remarking about how different we are, while marveling about it at the same time. Why marveling? Well, he always follows it up with the statement that these differences never seem to come between us, and that our connection is such that those differences aren’t negatives, they are just differences. Actually, not ‘just differences’, but often additions that enhance us with a bigger personal view of the possible. It tends to make us looser and more flexible with each other to see that even with our strong connection, we each have ways of doing and being that are quite different.

I think we have always tended to respond to each other with a lack of tension and without any sense of threat. But the surety and ease with which we can handle some very potentially challenging differences, like how we each deal with illness, have deepened with time together and the accumulation of experience.

When there is a gaping difference between how I would respond and how Phil does, it stops me at first. There is that moment where I go, “What’s happening here? Something foreign is occurring.” With Phil, this short stop lasts a relatively brief time. I don’t have that initial response to push it away because it’s different, or to defend against it, or change it. I relax and look at the response with interest, examining if I might try it that way, or at the least, I see that it’s Phil’s way and has nothing to do with me.

Occasionally, when something is so different that it keeps nudging at me or even unsettling me, I tell Phil about my feelings, making sure it is clear I am talking about how I feel, and it is not about him. Often just telling him, while he listens calmly and with love, changes that feeling. We both listen, looking for that thread, for that opportunity of understanding. We talk back and forth until we get to a mutual place of peace and balance with the difference. Never, even when dealing with an originally charged reaction, do either of us ever question our connection, or the we of us. These kinds of things don’t even touch on that.

We are all unique; therefore by nature we are all going to be different. In your deeper relationships, as with partners, those differences may become the source of distance or estrangement. They can become issues of conflict with both parties wanting to be right or have things their way. Approaching each other with the knowledge and conviction of the strength of your connection brings a wonderful path toward peace. When you can react with acceptance of the other, however they may be, knowing that they are who they are, and when you can love them for that, you find inner peace with that relationship.

Reading Corner

We’ve touched on this before in various posts of ours. Here are a few of them.

A New Way to Look at Differences in Relationships “With joy, right? With fascination at the very least. It’s an exciting thing to embrace otherness. If you move towards embracing this, you know, with all these elements of exploration and attraction and interest and curiosity, then you become expanded by it. That’s why it feels so peaceful. It pulls you into that place where you kind of settle in, like this is the right place to be, sitting in that place with a person. This is an entirely different way of relating. It’s an amazing thing because what you discover is the real connection between people.”

How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “There are some important areas that lay the groundwork for these kinds of connections. This has to come from your own inner exploration by practicing peace inside yourself and learning how to deal with your own inner differences between what you value and how you feel. This is, of course, an ongoing process. The more you achieve peace in the face of your inner anxieties and stressful situations, the more attracted to it you will be. When you reach out for peaceful relationships, look for shared core values: those meanings and values upon which you base your life and your interactions. You need to know and become familiar with what your core values are if you are to use these to create and support peaceful relationships. Take some time and reflect upon what those are for you, and look for them to be present in those with whom you build your deepest relationships.”

How Can You Delight in the Differences in Your Relationships? “Coming to terms with the fact that people are different from you can be a challenge. It might be your partner; it might be anyone. It’s fine when you agree, but when you don’t, how can anybody be so stupid? Obviously your way is right: you know the correct route, can stack the dishwasher properly, know how to fix the homeless problem, and know the best way to handle a tantrum in a supermarket. You’re right and everybody else is…less right. But everyone acts in the world as they choose, and maybe there is more than one approach to doing something, and maybe you never saw it before, and maybe they just like doing it that way. It might seem that some differences are irreconcilable. That is seldom the case; there are ways to find common ground. Most issues arise from how these differences are handled. By looking closely at your own response rather than just reacting, you can evaluate how real and important these differences are to you. Do they touch on your core values, or are they a matter of habit or preference? Is there another way to satisfy the same thing without emphasizing the difference, and instead finding a place that works for both of you? Are you truly listening to the other and hearing what they express? And if so, is it a real difference or just a different way of expressing the same thing by another individual? If it is really different, can you incorporate it or change it and still stay true to your values?”