How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them

Although we all share many similarities, we are all different

Halloween family. Photo credit: Maude Mayes

Hi everybody, Phil and Maude here. This post addresses one of our pet peeves: that people think that conflict in relationships is inevitable. Leave your comments on this hot topic.

PHIL: I want to jam on the idea that all people are different. No one is exactly like anyone else. So in your relationships, especially the close ones, you’re going to run into differences. They’re inevitable. The fact that the differences are inevitable means that in order to have a peaceful relationship, you have to be good with those differences, whatever they are. If there’s something that is so repugnant to your nature, your ethics, and your morality, then obviously your relationship is going to be limited at best. But in general, with most people, you can just go “Yeah, that’s different.”

You can’t—or shouldn’t—do anything about these differences because it’s none of your business. What they do and how they do it is simply their choice. Sure you can suggest better ways to do things, like using Ctrl+C to copy rather than the mouse and the menu, or where there is a better place to park, but such suggestions can easily edge into managing their life, so I think it is far better to leave them be rather than try to iron them out of existence. I see this as an ethic+al choice.

With that understanding, you can approach someone in a way that you wouldn’t if differences put you off, so you are able to be closer to someone, to be with them.

When you can offer the other person total acceptance of their behavior, it is for them a transformation of how they are with you. They can be themselves. They can speak and act freely. They can open up to you without fear of criticism. And if the other person also has this view of differences, then you, too, can have that sense of being given your whole life.

Other things follow from the acceptance that the other person is different and that’s just it. One is to enjoy, admire, celebrate those differences. You are being offered learning, variety, novelty. Think of it like traveling in a foreign country.

Another thing to do with differences is to look at why you hold your position. What’s behind it? Sometimes you can see it as of no importance at all, and it will just evaporate. Or it may give you some kind of deeper understanding of yourself, a way of seeing yourself that you hadn’t noticed; perhaps an insight into your motives or values.

Living alongside differences is how you have peaceful relationships.

MAUDE: In last week’s post, we wrote that having peaceful relationships is a choice. So, let’s say you have made that choice. What now?

One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint.

To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness.

Start with relationships that are, or that you want to be, deep and close: friendships, partners, relatives. It is easier to accept these differences in those we feel close to. As you develop the experiences with them, you can move out toward those with whom you have less and less similarity.

There are some important areas that lay the groundwork for these kinds of connections. This has to come from your own inner exploration by practicing peace inside yourself and learning how to deal with your own inner differences between what you value and how you feel. This is, of course, an ongoing process. The more you achieve peace in the face of your inner anxieties and stressful situations, the more attracted to it you will be.

When you reach out for peaceful relationships, look for shared core values: those meanings and values upon which you base your life and your interactions. You need to know and become familiar with what your core values are if you are to use these to create and support peaceful relationships. Take some time and reflect upon what those are for you, and look for them to be present in those with whom you build your deepest relationships.

Find those with whom your commonality feels strong, in big and small things. They will be different for each person, but there is a combination of traits and behaviors for each of us that makes for an easier kind of bonding, a more naturally comfortable feeling. This will allow you to more easily respond openly to the differences between you and the other person. If this is someone you are or will be living with, this aspect becomes even more important.

So far, I’ve been writing about finding peace by accepting the differences inherent in the factor of human uniqueness, but there is also the journey of realizing how much these differences enhance your own life. You broaden your world as you learn to see other ways of being and knowing, not as a negative fearful factor, but as an enrichment of your experience. This acceptance and celebration of the presence of both sameness and difference can lead us to the bigger kinship we have with each other. That is the way of peaceful relationships.

Reading Corner

Here are some other articles with thoughts on this topic.

How Can You Delight in the Differences in Your Relationships? “An important way to treat differences is to see their benefits. They bring diversity and broaden the possibilities available to you. They add to what you have, rather than taking away. They bring other ways to do things, see things, think about things. When you can relax and appreciate and enjoy those differences, you are expanding your view of what is possible and how to be in the world…”

Conflict in Relationships: Help Make Peace, Not War “As we grow into understanding ourselves—what triggers us and how we deal with our own difficulties—we make way for a more peaceful relationship. Think about this, there’s a fight, and instead of worrying about the next thing you are going to say to your partner, you think about how you got your feelings hurt.”

One Critical Rule to Having Peaceful Relationships “That brings us to the second element in this rule: the relationship agreement. Every relationship operates with some explicit and/or implicit agreements. In society, between people who live amongst each other, the relationship agreement consists of explicit laws and implicit cultural rules. In the workplace, the agreement consists of the codes of conduct and role expectations. In families or romantic relationships, sometimes there are explicit ground rules in addition to various implicit expectations. Understanding and adapting to how these rules and agreements, explicit or implicit, change across contexts is imperative for successful, healthy relationships. For peaceful relationships, in any context or dynamic, we must start with clarity about what is expected of each person to make sure everyone has agreed to and is willing to participate in the relationship under this agreement. We cannot expect others to read our minds or adhere to non-explicit or non-agreed-upon rules. If you believe some rules or expectations are implied, and the other individual(s) is not living up to those expectations, then perhaps you need to make the agreement more explicit. The clearer we are about what is expected of everyone, the better. And then, we all must agree to such expectations of our own will and volition. Once the rules are set and everyone has agreed, we cannot expect someone to behave above, beyond, or outside of that structure. We should not force, constrain, or judge others to be or do something other than what they have agreed to.”