A New Way to Look at Differences in Relationships

We had a conversation the other evening about a different way to respond to the variance between each of us

A joy-filled relationship. Photo credit: Phil Mayes

Hi, Phil and Maude here. We had a conversation the other evening about a different way to respond to the variance between each of us. We like, recorded it on a phone and, um, kind of cleaned it up a bit, you know?

PHIL: This is what happens with differences. The other person does (or doesn’t) do something. You get irritated, resentful, impatient, whatever. There are two obvious paths to fixing this. The other person changes, or you let go of that annoyance. The first isn’t full acceptance; the second one is. But there are also situations where you cannot put it aside. You’ve been hurt, or a commitment wasn’t met, or something else rankled. Speak about it, making it completely about your state, your feelings, your reactions; in other words, not about the other person. They will learn where you are at, and you may gain clarity by verbalizing them, too. This initiates a dialogue where the other person may make a change, or explain what they did (or why they did what they did) in a way that you had not previously seen.

MAUDE: After all, we’re all unique, so everyone is truly different. We’ve written about accepting differences and even celebrating them. But there’s another quality of interacting peacefully with others. That quality is a deep interest in and fascination with getting to know the other person. In other words, it’s not just accepting, it’s not even just celebrating; it’s the joy in learning and growing in the understanding of the other that is the key.

PHIL: And that surprise and pleasure is never-ending. it’s not like you get to know them and you end up knowing all about them to a degree that they become predictable. The otherness (which does not preclude the many agreements and similarities) will always be there to fascinate.

MAUDE: Yes, because it’s a living dynamic process, right?

PHIL: Right. There are always subtleties that you haven’t looked at or talked about before, plus there are always changes. Each of us is changing as we move through life, adjusting and growing and learning. So an aspect of difference is looking at what the other person is doing, the directions they are going in, the things they are thinking about.

MAUDE: It’s not trying to make something out of the other person like they’re a piece of clay, but to actually start to fathom who they are, to penetrate this otherness. It’s finding the place where you have pleasure and joy from the experience of how another expresses themselves and manifests who they are.

PHIL: And to do this, to let this happen, there has to be a great deal of trust from both parties.

MAUDE: Yes, and honesty. There is also a part of it that is just plain choice, a decision to be open.

PHIL: We’re talking total honesty here. There’s something about the total aspect of it that is transformative.

MAUDE: The more it is that way, the more you can actually get each other. You can’t know somebody by fighting to understand them; they have to open and allow it. And you have to go into it with enthusiasm. You have to have this true interest and attraction. It’s not like something you struggle with because it’s different. You have to have the opposite of that response, like give me more of this.

PHIL: I think the experience of being with and talking with someone who is completely open to you is extraordinary and it’s different from how we are normally. We’re all guarded, at least a little bit. You need to go into it being prepared to trust; not necessarily trusting, but being open to it, and that trust grows as you get to know the other person. I think you can do that by grokking them at a body level and getting a reading of safety.

MAUDE: Well, you don’t have to demand straight away that the other person is completely open because there’s a process. I think you have to first have an attitude of real interest, of being open to the otherness. It’s more than just being open; it’s being fascinated, pulled towards it. So many people start out thinking it’s very natural to feel guarded. The fact of otherness has a negative connotation for many people, but you need to overcome that by switching it around in your mind. The way you approach it changes what you experience.

PHIL: In general, if you imagine when we were very primitive people or even as a simpler species, then otherness is iffy. It’s possibly dangerous. You approach everything with caution. It’s possible it’s something that’s delicious and you can eat it, but it’s also possible that it’s something that might eat you. And so otherness is always approached by wondering whether it is a good otherness or a bad otherness. And the thing with a deep relationship is that when you drop the “might be dangerous” part by saying categorically that this otherness is good, this otherness is safe, then you can drop the defenses that you normally have up. In the modern world, those are social defenses. So the experience of this is like nothing else. It’s a different kind of relating.

MAUDE: With joy, right? With fascination at the very least. It’s an exciting thing to embrace otherness. If you move towards embracing this, you know, with all these elements of exploration and attraction and interest and curiosity, then you become expanded by it. That’s why it feels so peaceful. It pulls you into that place where you kind of settle in, like this is the right place to be, sitting in that place with a person. This is an entirely different way of relating. It’s an amazing thing because what you discover is the real connection between people.

Reading Corner

Here are some earlier posts of ours on differences.

How To Deal With Differences In Your Relationships “I am a firm believer that we can change the world by spreading peace one relationship at a time. The reason I am so sure that this works is because I have personal experience that it does. The kind of living peace that Phil and I enjoy has changed the way I relate to everyone else. Not only do I find myself acting differently in all my relationships, but there is a feedback loop that occurs where those who are treated more lovingly, more respectfully and more appropriately, change and start to do the same. ”

How to Create Peaceful Relationships by Balancing Your Differences “I suggested that we write about the sense of equality between us, but Maude said that she sees equality as a measuring word, a counting up of who has done what, so she doesn’t relate to it, and it’s not a word that she uses. It needs to be described in a different way, so let’s start with differences, which sound like the opposite of equality. Here, I’m looking at how we are different, not having differences; that’s a whole other conversation. We have different skills, strengths, capabilities, and interests; they can’t be tallied up like Olympic scoring. How do you value the ability to soothe a grazed knee against balancing a checkbook?”

How Can Relationship Differences Lead to Peace, not Anger or Resentment? “In our book, individuality and acceptance have different chapters, but as we came to put together a course, we found that the two are so intertwined that we needed to put them together into a single session. So today I’d like to explore how the two are connected. Coming to terms with the fact that your partner is different from you can be a challenge. It’s not just your partner but anyone. It’s fine when you agree, but when you don’t, how can anybody be so stupid? Obviously you have the right answer, know the correct route, stack the dishwasher properly, can see the couch is the wrong color, and know the best way to handle a tantrum in a supermarket. You’re right and everybody else is…less right.”