Why Differences Don’t Need to Create Problems in Your Relationships

It’s an apples and oranges thing, so have a bunch of fruit instead of just one piece

On a walk in Santa Barbara. Photo credit: Maude Mayes

Here’s a conversation we had the other night about why differences aren’t a problem for us. They don’t need to be a problem for you, either.

PHIL: Let me try and describe the nature of our relationship. I look at you and your many active friendships which happen daily or weekly, and the equivalent for me is much smaller. Which is not to say that I feel I’m missing anything, but it does make me wonder if I have contracted myself into a corner and not noticed. But at the same time, I really, really value my solitude. It is how I regenerate. That comes about from being with myself and in that way, reowning myself.

I look at your constancy and the constant affection you show to me, which is far more than I feel I give in return, and that makes me go Wow! Aren’t I lucky to be chosen. But then I can also look at myself and see some things that, in my opinion, I handle better than you, so there’s a – I don’t want to say balance, because that implies comparisons of worth.

Instead, I see them as just differences that I am grateful for. I look at my failings compared to yours more than I look at the things I am good at, and by looking at that half of the equation, I remain grateful. It’s another way of saying glass half full. It’s an optimism thing; my world consists of what I look at.

MAUDE: All of those things that you brought up are about making comparisons. You used words like “far more,” “handle it better,” and “failings.” You didn’t say anything negative. You said something you know very well, which got you to ultimately look on the sunny side. We are different because I don’t work through comparison, but you used those comparisons to get to the same place I would go to. You know what I’m saying? We are different, but the thing is, we wind up getting to the same place regardless of how we go there.

PHIL: That’s an inspiring and humbling observation, and something I hadn’t noticed until you brought it more into the open. But our relationship doesn’t hinge on that kind of comparison.

MAUDE: If it’s not measuring and evaluating, if it’s merely seeing, that’s so different, and I really love that.

PHIL: Right, it’s an apples and oranges thing.

MAUDE: And then you have a bunch of fruit instead of just one piece of fruit.

PHIL: I like that one. I think you’ve put it very well here that different is different. It’s an apples and oranges thing. You don’t have a price you put on each attribute and add them up.

MAUDE: The thing is, though, we go about things differently, but we always wind up in the same place. This is a very subtle thing to describe, but it is very primary.

PHIL: When you’re not doing that kind of comparison, the relationship takes on a different quality where you can experience the togetherness. If you’re doing a comparison thing, it’s you versus the other person; you’re looking at the separateness, and inevitably, you feel separate from the other person, but if instead you look at the togetherness, you have the experience of being with another person. I think this is a hard thing for most people, including me, to do, because it involves a partial ego loss. The results make the effort more than worthwhile.

Reading Corner

Here are some of our many articles on differences and how to embrace them in your relationships. Use the search bar to find more.

How To Deal With Differences In Your Relationships “Because we are all unique, we have different skills, strengths, capabilities, and interests. It can be hard to see the strengths of other people clearly. It’s easy to see where they fall short: they forget to pay bills on time, don’t tidy up, or anything that, for you, is the obvious, efficient way to do things. But maybe you are overlooking their skills or giving them little credit. How do you value the ability to soothe a grazed knee against balancing a checkbook? Different contributions are not easily tallied up like Olympic scoring. Coming to terms with the fact that people are different from you can be a challenge. It might be your partner; it might be anyone. It’s fine when you agree, but when you don’t, how can anybody be so stupid? Obviously, your way is right: you know the correct route, can stack the dishwasher properly, know how to fix the homeless problem, and know the best way to handle a tantrum in a supermarket. You’re right and everybody else is…less right. Everyone acts in the world differently. Maybe there’s more than one approach to doing something, but you never saw it before, or maybe they just like doing it that way. When you can relax into that and appreciate and enjoy those differences, you expand your view of what is possible and how to be in the world, and you can see that the two of you are more effective together than either one of you alone.”

How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint. To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness. Start with relationships that are, or that you want to be, deep and close: friendships, partners, relatives. It is easier to accept these differences in those we feel close to. As you develop the experiences with them, you can move out toward those with whom you have less and less similarity.”

A New Way to Look at Differences in Relationships “we’re all unique, so everyone is truly different. We’ve written about accepting differences and even celebrating them. But there’s another quality of interacting peacefully with others. That quality is a deep interest in and fascination with getting to know the other person. In other words, it’s not just accepting, it’s not even just celebrating; it’s the joy in learning and growing in the understanding of the other that is the key. And that surprise and pleasure is never-ending. it’s not like you get to know them and you end up knowing all about them to a degree that they become predictable. The otherness (which does not preclude the many agreements and similarities) will always be there to fascinate.”