It's Important to Treasure Each Person's Uniqueness in Relationships

Once you understand this, seek to apply it to all your relationships

Uniqueness at work! Photo credit: Phil Mayes

Hi, Phil and Maude here. This is a topic near and dear to our hearts. We hope it speaks to you the way it does to us.

MAUDE: It is the unique quality of each person that can be the strength of a relationship, and yet it is often the great divider. Usually, when we write about uniqueness and its significance to peaceful relating, we discuss how important it is to be aware of similarities and not just differences. We share how you can learn to change the way you deal with difference, and make your interactions the better for it.

All this is true, but in this post, I want to talk about what the experience is like coming to know as much as you can about the specific uniqueness of the other person. I want to share with you how Phil and I approach each other peacefully, always seeking to help each other realize our own special potential. There is magic in diving into another person’s uniqueness with open arms and a glad heart. We are on a great journey of discovery.

Phil was remarking last night that he has been asking himself this week how it can be that we get along so well and always have, when we are so different. He knows that our values match and that even though we are so different, we are very much the same. Yet, he still marvels over how lovingly we are able to be together.

I think the mystery lies in the very fact of being able to see each other without wishing to change each other, and instead, wanting to know each other with eyes open in wonder and acceptance. Neither of us is looking for the kind of agreement that just echoes who we are. In fact, quite the opposite. As a friend once said about her relationship, “I’m not looking for another me in this relationship. I already have me!” We don’t assume that because we are in a relationship, we have any right or ability to change who the other person is in their essence.

We are not yearning for anything other than to be granted access to each other’s inner being. (Not much, I know, just everything!) There is a gentleness that grows from the understanding that being allowed to enter the space of another on the deepest level is a sacred honor; that it expands your consciousness of what is possible and enlarges your world immeasurably. There is a deep relaxation and calm that engulfs you, knowing that you are being seen without any attempt being made to alter you.

To gain the full fruits of this journey, you have to be present and you have to pay attention, as you are being offered something that is unique and different from you—a view into another world. And yet you come together through your connection, your similarities, and your shared values. This is a path to a great peace, a peace that surpasses understanding.

PHIL: Everybody is the same AND everybody is different. It’s hard to come to terms with such a contradiction. It’s like trying to look in two different directions at once.

It means that in any relationship, there are always going to be differences. They might be achievements or failings: How do they manage to do that? Why do they think that way? Why don’t they do it like me? Are you going to let those differences bug you, or can you let go of expectations of how things ought to be and say “C’est la vie”? As Andy Warhol said:

Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, So what. That’s one of my favorite things to say. So what.

But there is a step beyond being neutral; those differences can be a source of curiosity and fascination. Isn’t it amazing that another human does things so differently? Looking at that can prompt questions that might not have otherwise occurred to you: why do you do things the way you do them?

But that is all words. What does uniqueness feel like? With Maude, accepting those differences creates a feeling of peace within me. The similarities are such that the differences are unimportant, and the fact that I don’t have to do anything about her except marvel is wonderful. I don’t have to be like her, I don’t have to try to change her. How extraordinary to let go and feel such peace.

PHIL AND MAUDE: Once you’ve had this experience, seek to apply it to all your relationships.

Reading Corner

Here are a few other posts we’ve written on why it’s important to treasure each person’s uniqueness in relationships.

How Recognizing and Celebrating Uniqueness Helps Your Relationships “I was amazed by this experience as the relationship between Phil and I grew. Our values were deeply aligned and yet our way of expressing them was often quite different. I found this profoundly enriching. Here was an opportunity to see how the very same meanings and values could be differently enacted in the world. This greatly expanded my world view and understanding of what is possible. Understanding core values and at the same time realizing that they will be expressed differently by each person even if they match deeply, is a key to a peaceful conflict-free relationship. You can celebrate this variety in how they are enacted by your partner, and be enriched by their unique way of bringing your values to realization. What a gift!”

How to Embrace Differences, Not Trip Over Them “One of the biggest things to find a way to embrace within yourself is the fact that we are all unique; we are each one of a kind. Although we all share many similarities, we are all different. Many who write on the topic of relationships feel that this difference means that conflict is inevitable. From our own personal experience, we strongly disagree with this viewpoint. To change this propensity, it is necessary to learn to respond to the kind of differences our uniqueness creates in a way other than fear, conflict, feeling threatened, distancing, anger, or protectiveness. Start with relationships that are, or that you want to be, deep and close: friendships, partners, relatives. It is easier to accept these differences in those we feel close to. As you develop the experiences with them, you can move out toward those with whom you have less and less similarity.”

How To Deal With Differences In Your Relationships “An important part of looking at differences is to see their benefits. They bring diversity and broaden the possibilities available to you. They add to what you have, rather than taking away. They bring other ways to do things, see things, think about things. When you can relax and appreciate and enjoy those differences, you are expanding your view of what is possible and how to be in the world, and you can see that the two of you are more effective together than either one of you alone. Another aspect of differences is the pleasure that they offer.”