You Can’t Love If You’re Not There: Why Presence Matters

A relationship has a nonverbal aspect of how it feels to be with the other person

Phil and Maude at Madonna Inn. Photo credit: The waitress

Hi, Phil and Maude here with a key aspect of relationships — in fact, of life!

PHIL: It’s time to talk directly about being present. We have mentioned it recently when writing about other topics like listening, paying attention, and hanging out. But what does it involve?

I have written elsewhere that we have a verbal side and a nonverbal side, and our newer verbal side has been so successful for the species that our attention operates almost exclusively in that arena. When senses come in, we instantly label them – that’s birdsong, this is a book. To be present is to move focus to the nonverbal side, which is difficult because of that tendency to label everything. The best we can usually do is to ignore the chatter, or at least realize that it is not everything.

So what does this have to do with relationships? I think a relationship, whether personal or social, exists on two levels. We use words to exchange ideas, make plans, and share the details of our lives. But a relationship also has a nonverbal aspect of how it feels to be with the other person. Like all our nonverbal messages, we’re often only aware of those feelings when we pay attention and try to name them.

So when you are with someone, by all means, share with them what happened and plans for the future, but also take in the sense of being with another person, because this is a deep need that we all have.

To do that, look or listen or feel for the stillness. Which doesn’t mean not allowing yourself to move; it means not doing anything, it means just hanging out.

Being present like this with someone involves two things. One is paying attention to their words, their pauses, their tone, their body language, and not being distracted by what else is going on in the environment or what you have coming up later in the day. The other is paying attention to what is happening within yourself – your breath, tension, feelings, and thoughts. Just observe them rather than holding on to them. It’s about doing nothing, of just being on a fairground ride, letting it take you on its journey.

And that is how to be present with another person.

MAUDE: It is hard to write about peaceful relationships without mentioning being present. We have alluded to it while writing about paying attention, being aware, listening, hanging out, and deepening connections, to mention a few. Being together with someone in this way is a core aspect of every deep relationship.

The other day I was talking with a dear friend, and we were discussing how noticeable, and how sad it is when we are with someone who is so preoccupied or anxious that they are barely in the present at all. It is such an elusive thing, and yet it is deeply felt when it is missing. I was reminded of a quote from Thich Nhat Hanh who said “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?”

To be present with another, you have to bring your awareness of that presence inside. You have to be sensing and feeling and looking and breathing within the moment you are in. You can’t be in motion toward or away from anything. You can’t be exclusively in your mind, or in what might be or what was, or what you will be doing or where you will be going.

The most loving thing you can do with another person is offer yourself, as you are, in the present moment. To do this, you need to be present within yourself, quiet, still and aware. When we share of our inner being we create deep connections. A friend calls it being together in spirit. If you are not there within your inner being, you cannot share it. This is not a state of doing, but rather one of being.

Another friend was saying that she feels the best way she can contribute in today’s divisive climate is to put forth love and unity and not add to the sense of division. She says that if we are in the moment, we will experience awe repeatedly at the beauty and the miracle of life and all that is around us. We can then share that magnificent gift in our relationships with one another.

Bob Dylan said, “I’ll let you be in my dream, if I can be in yours.” I say, “I’ll let you be in my present, if I can be in yours.”

Reading Corner

Here are some of our previous posts on the importance of presence in your relationships.

How Do Presence and Acceptance Add to Your Relationships? “To be truly present you must acknowledge what is and accept what is. The moment you move into wanting something to be different, you are no longer experiencing what is. Any pushing or pulling away is stepping out of the present. Instead, you are trying to conjure something other; to defend against what is, to go backwards or forwards in time, to manifest a creation of your mind and your desires. The connection between presence and acceptance is a pivotal one. When you are able to embrace and accept what is, you become a part of the present moment and consequently, can contribute your Self to that moment. Presence is a state without anxiety or fear. When you are actually just being and not evaluating the moment of being, you enter a state where truth, beauty and goodness exist. Being present is a shift away from fear responses toward love responses.”

How to Find a Different Kind of Truth Beyond Words “Before language, we responded to the information from our senses with feelings and emotions. Now we have a verbal model of the world that sometimes contradicts that earlier understanding. We are receiving two suggestions at once; it is like listening to two radio stations. The verbal model of the world has been so successful that we use it almost exclusively, and as senses arise, they are mapped onto words.”

Why the Essence of Connection in Your Relationships is Being Present “One of the elements that permeates our relationship is that when we are together we are present with each other. We are not only there in the physical sense, but also mentally and emotionally. I’ve been thinking about how important it is to practice presence in all relating, and how this gets lost so very often in the way people interact with each other. What does this feel like when it is there and when it is missing? I have a good friend who seems almost to have disappeared from view. When we are together, I do not feel she is actually there. She seems to be on her way somewhere else: mentally, emotionally, and even physically a bit. The flavor of my friend is still there, but the feeling of her essence being present with me, with “us”, is not. I mention “us” because this is an important component of presence in relationship. When I sit here on the couch discussing the blog topic and content with Phil, we are both acutely involved in this moment. We are here with each other and also with the “we”, the “us” as well. As we have been doing this for decades, the mutual self is quite recognizable and is present along with each of our individual selves.”

Why is Being Present in Your Relationships So Powerful? “Being present is an essential aspect of enlightenment, and so it is easy to assume that being present is a similarly rare event that happens by grace. Not so. Usually, our mind chatters endlessly about the events of the past: what we should have said or done; how we were wronged or humiliated; the pleasures and people we loved. We plan for the future, too: what to say at the upcoming meeting; what to watch tonight; how to manage money. When we set these aside, we are left with the inputs of our senses, both external and somatic, and usually, we name these, too. But that diminishes the experience because we discard everything for which we do not have words. You can counter that in two ways. By examining closely what is happening and describing it, you can increase your vocabulary and awareness.”