Why Peaceful Relationships Depend on What You Do and Don’t Do

We have an effortless relationship, and believe that anyone can have one, too; it’s just a matter of changing your perspective

Phil and Maude celebrating. Photo credit: Jennifer Niles

MAUDE: It was recently our 20th anniversary of meeting (and a joyous celebration it was!), and Phil and I were talking about the components of our relationship and other deep relationships with friends and family. The flavor of those peaceful relationships is made up of what we do and what we don’t do.

In all of these, there is a strong connection, a feel of the person, and a flow of sharing going back and forth. This comes from the clear sense of both people being present and available. Being present is something you do, a conscious choice. It involves giving someone your full attention.

Similarly, there is mutual regard and a lack of opposition. There are clearly two different people with two different thoughts and ideas on the how, when and where of most things. Yet, there is no wall between them. When there is a wall of opposition, it comes from some kind of push-back, where one of them is communicating through word, or tone, or body language that it is their way or the proverbial highway.

In the peaceful relationships we describe, there is no such messaging. It’s just something we don’t do. Instead, there is a shared desire to hear each other and to find paths that include the needs and wants of both of us. In these kinds of connections, there is a secure knowing that each wants the best for the other. This results in an easy back and forth, an uncharged atmosphere that encourages relaxation and deeper sharing. When there are barbs and tension in the interactions, you can never really be fully yourself.

PHIL: We have an effortless relationship, and believe that anyone can have one, too; it’s just a matter of changing your perspective. Perhaps I’m trivializing it, because that is asking people to totally reframe how they see the world and how they see other people, but I don’t think it’s complicated. We know how it happens because we’ve spent a long time looking at it. We are how we are both because of what we do and what we don’t do.

One of the things is that we treat each other as equals. Her rights are as important as mine. Her choices are as valid as mine. But equal doesn’t mean the same. We recognize our differences and do not struggle against them. Many of those differences make no difference at all to me; Maude reads mystery writers and I like nonfiction. But when the differences affect both of us, we both assume the best of each other. We assume the other is acting from the best of intentions. We don’t think they’re acting from a grudge, or transactionally, that is, they’re trying to get the best possible deal by getting as much as possible and giving as little as possible. We don’t. We don’t attribute that to the other person at all.

But when something needs to get clarified, sorted, or straightened out, then what?

One of the things that makes it so easy is that I know I’m not going to get pushback. I might get resistance, if I may use a similar word and give it a different meaning, which is simply that I think one thing, and Maude thinks another. No surprise, because there are two people here, right? So the resolution to resistance is either getting her to see it my way or me to see it her way, or some view that is a different angle for both of us. A resistance like that is very different from pushback. Something that makes this easy is that neither of us is rigidly attached to one way.

As we repeatedly did this and saw that resolutions were possible, we acquired more trust in the process.

More than that, it means that we don’t cringe at conflicts and avoid dealing with stuff because when we notice a little kink to straighten out, we’re both fully up for it when the time is right, because the sense is one of both exploring myself, what I feel and what my motives are, and how it is to be with you, where you are presenting yourself, your motives and your desires. It’s the experience of being in contact with another person, and that mutual sense gives us the ability to explore and find a mutual resolution.

The need to sort out something doesn’t happen very often, but the sense of being connected to each other is a constant, and it allows me to go off and do my own thing. That’s a necessity for me because I am a person who likes, craves, and needs solitude because I spend a lot of my time in my head thinking about the world, consciousness, politics, and all sorts of things. I really enjoy that state, and I think it probably is a reflection of growing up as an only child until I was seven. That’s a personal value for me, and Maude has a similar need for space, but that doesn’t apply to everyone. We know couples who are much more intertwined. I think that when two people pick each other, they probably have a read of how the other person is in this and other areas.

PHIL AND MAUDE: For us, peace is a value and a conscious choice. To experience that reality, there are things we do, and things we don’t do. We strive to share that with all who desire to experience peace within their relationships.

Reading Corner

Here are some other posts we’ve written where we talk about the choices you make.

It’s Important to Know You Can Choose Peaceful Relationships “Peace on the other hand, is just a concept or a word to many people. It has not yet become an experience, a visceral reality. It has the element of fantasy to some, or something that is far off and distant to others. And it will remain so if you do not make it a part of how you live and conduct your deep relationships. Phil and I know that this is possible, and what we want to share is that there is a choice to be made. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad, but when you are consciously or unconsciously attracted and prone to dwelling in negativity, that is a choice. You can choose peace, you can create peace in your own life. There are many aspects to how, and those are the topics of our posts. The real deciding factor is to make the choice to move in that direction, realize you can, and keep choosing it each time you are confronted with a decision.”

3 Things That Every Person Wants in Their Relationships “Conflicts start with differences. Everyone is different, and it can irk you like a mosquito bite. Why do they do it that way? Why aren’t they ready? How untidy! But alongside differences are similarities: we’re all human, we all eat and talk and yearn, and in these basic ways, we are all equal. So they have as much right to their choices of how to act as you do (axe murderers excepted), and, to use another “A” word, you should grant them autonomy in their conduct. And this is how you reach acceptance.”

The Importance of Sharing Your Truth in Relationships “You can avoid this kind of separation in your connections by first learning your truth. For some people that is clear, while for others it is a process that requires active inner work to find. Once you know it, you will need to find the proper time, language, and tone of voice to communicate that truth. You can just blurt it out without thinking about these things, but that is rarely successful.”

Chance or Choice? This is a short piece written over a dozen years ago and yet the message is still the same! “But it’s not what we are, what lottery tickets we have drawn, so much as what we do. It’s not a found thing, it’s an intentional thing. If you want a passionate, peaceful relationship, you don’t find it by looking, you find it by bringing passion and peace to the table.”