The Importance of Sharing Your Truth in Relationships

Lying always causes distance between you and the other person, even if you are the only one who knows it

A New Year’s circle sharing personal truths. Photo credit: Maude Mayes

PHIL: I had an imaginary conversation in my head:

“Tell the truth; it’s so much easier than lying.”
“But people would say mean, nasty, hurtful things!”
“Oh, just tell the truth, but not in a mean, nasty, hurtful way. Instead, you have to tell it with love.”

To be able to tell the truth in a relationship, any relationship, is liberating. There are plain, outright lies: “I did try to meet you, but I went to the wrong Starbucks.” That can become a nightmare trying to keep the story straight: “Really? My friend is a barista there and would have mentioned seeing you.”

And then there are lies of omission, of concealment. One is hiding what we want: “I don’t care. You pick the movie.” That is making ourselves as small as possible and giving that space to another person. The image I have of this from my childhood is: “Would you like another slice of cake?” with the subtext “Say no; it’s rude to be greedy.”

A different kind of concealment is what we think about another person. “Your boyfriend is a jerk.” (And you’re an idiot for staying with him.) “You never signal when changing lanes.” This is where mean, nasty, hurtful comes in. Obviously, don’t be one of those mean girls, but even if you’re not trying to be malevolent, your prejudices and opinions can leak out through your tone of voice and choice of words. This is where telling it with love comes in. You have to be completely present with and focused on the other person. Be in their shoes.

What you are telling here is your innermost self; you are exposing everything that you think and feel. Not that it’s for the ages; it’s only the truth of the present, and that kind of truth can change, but it is still the truth for now, and it is a gift to offer this to someone else.

For some people, including me, it’s hard to find those kinds of truths and not easy to share; I still have a small “slice of cake” inhibition. Other people are more connected to their feelings, and a few people are so connected to their truth that they can’t hear anyone else’s. It’s a balance between self and other.

MAUDE: Speaking honestly and telling your truth in your relationships can be tricky. It is not just about not lying, although that is certainly a good starting point. Lying always causes distance between you and the other person, even if you are the only one who knows it. It may be because you are also concealing it from yourself, or that you feel you won’t be heard if you speak it, or that it may hurt the other person. These are all real reasons that people tell themselves for lying, either directly or by omission. Regardless of the reason, it creates distance between you and the other person.

You can avoid this kind of separation in your connections by first learning your truth. For some people that is clear, while for others it is a process that requires active inner work to find. Once you know it, you will need to find the proper time, language, and tone of voice to communicate that truth. You can just blurt it out without thinking about these things, but that is rarely successful.

Truth sharing is not a process of speaking every thought that passes through your mind. It is important to know what thoughts have a bearing on your relationship with the other person and how much you wish to share, as every relationship is different in this regard.

Bringing awareness of the other is always important in relating, and in deep sharing even more so. Be loving in your exchange by taking the time to think about the tone of voice you use and the words best suited to being heard. This is sometimes a challenge to balance, as this also can be a way of avoiding speaking of difficult things.

When you want to be honest and share your truth, it is important to be clear that is exactly what it is: your truth, not the truth. And even that is your truth at that moment in time. It may not vary much if it is about values, but it does nevertheless change with growth and over time. The way through this path is to act with awareness and to speak with love.

PHIL: This ties in with how we are together. We’re harmonious, or harmonious enough, on a day-to-day basis. Still, there are times when there is some kind of difference or challenge or some other kind of event where we get together and get very deep on what we want, what we feel, and what we’re looking for, and it’s something that we know how to do. It’s not a problem to go there; the problem is actually recognizing that we need to go there. When we do, we have a listening, exploring style that ends up solving the issue, whatever it is. My sense is that events like those produce this really interesting sense of closeness that endures for days.

The reason for describing this is that it is made possible by telling the truth, whatever it is, and hearing and accepting Maude’s truth as true for her. There’s no point in arguing about that. It is this quality that makes our relationship so radically different.

Reading Corner

This is a key topic, and we’ve written about different aspects of it a number of times before.

Why it is Important to be Honest and Share Your Truth in Relationships “As to how you speak when it involves another person, you must be gentle as well as honest. Some people take the intimacy of a relationship as a safe place to dump all their feelings, act out, or blame the other person. Don’t do this. They are your feelings; find out where they come from. Even when they appear to be caused by someone else, that person probably has their own set of causes. Every lie takes an effort. Every unspoken feeling takes its toll on the body. When you are honest and authentic in your relationships, life is freer and lighter.”

Why You Need to Trust and Speak Your Truth in Relationships “Being honest is not just a matter of not telling a lie. It is more often about not sharing your truth. When you withhold some part of yourself, it can be sensed. Your partner may not know what it is, but they can sense that it is. This causes feelings of mistrust and doubt to enter your relationship. It will create unnecessary distance and even estrangement. To overcome and avoid this unnecessary and all too common behavior requires self-reflection and an open self review. As with so many issues that can complicate a relationship, this takes a desire to know yourself and to examine your actions.”

Why it is Important to Speak Your Truth in Relationships “Phil and I were sharing over dinner the other night and found ourselves discussing what it means to speak your truth, and how you find your way to that truth. I was telling him about some challenges I was trying to resolve with one of my close friends. I told him what had occurred and how once I had reflected on what was troubling me, I was able to share that with my friend. The feeling of finding that truth and then being able to speak it without charge or blame, but rather with a clear statement of what I felt, created a tremendous peace and calm within me and toward my friend. When something happens in one of my relationships that upsets me or makes me feel hurt or not treated well and I don’t really understand my reaction, often I can’t say anything right away. Perhaps this is a good thing as it gives me time to reflect on what is going on in me that makes me feel this way; what is my truth? Uncomfortable feelings of someone I know behaving and making choices that are foreign to me are often at the root of my discomfort.”