Why Honesty is so Important in Creating Peace in Your Relationships

To be honest with another person and share how you feel and think, you must have done some reflecting and learning of what your truth is in order to speak it

Daffodils with rose petal heart. Photo credit: Maude Mayes

Hi, Phil and Maude here. We’re revisiting a theme that is dear to our hearts—honesty. We’d love to hear your experiences of practising honesty in your relationships.

MAUDE: One of the cornerstones of deep and peaceful relationships is honesty. The ability to practice this within a relationship comes from a level of true acceptance of each other and the consequent trust that develops. This leads to a togetherness that requires no defensiveness and no hiding of how you feel and who you are. There need be no masks; instead, an easy, comfortable sense transforms the relationship.

The result is a quality of peace and a richness of communication. This does not imply that you spew forth every thought you have, or ignore your tone of voice or method of speaking your truth. This way of being honest with each other should bring forth a gentle awareness that leads to a kinder way of being together and speaking with one another. It does not engender impatience or lack of attention; quite the opposite.

To be honest with another person and share how you feel and think, you must have done some reflecting and learning about what your truth is in order to speak it. This is an ongoing process of searching and being open within yourself.

As you develop this habit of looking inside yourself for what is really important to you in any given situation, you can communicate this information openly to the other person. For both Phil and me, it is paramount to be honest with each other and to share how we feel. The path to this kind of honesty and communication comes from first finding out what that is, owning it, and then sharing that in an open and loving manner.

As you apply this path, you will tend to be less involved with feelings of blame or centering in on what you think the other person is doing or not doing. When you have an uncomfortable reaction to something, look inside yourself. After all, you’re on a quest to know yourself and your truth better, so you can share it in your deep relationships.

Sometimes, in an important relationship (often with family), the other person is not ready to move toward this same goal, and you will need to hold back who you are and what you feel and think for a more propitious time. It is hard sometimes, but try not to be deterred. The more you can be in your truth, the less you will need to put it forth when it is not being sought in that situation.

PHIL: It’s a difficult thing to be completely honest in a relationship because we’re not, on the whole, completely honest with other people. That’s just how society works. There are all sorts of written and unwritten agreements that have arisen on how to behave in order for society to function, and that habit tends to carry over into our friendships.

But in close relationships, that protectiveness doesn’t need to exist. There is no need to hide yourself, hide your feelings, be anything other than who you are. You can let go of all that because a relationship is not a competition; it’s a collaboration.

To be honest, you have to know yourself; you have to be able to distinguish yourself from the persona that you wear in public.

You can afford to be totally honest when the other person is totally accepting, because it is safe to do so. When you both bring that to the relationship, it has a completely different feeling, not just mentally, but physically, too. Being honest is a kind of physical experience. It involves describing how you feel, being present, and going inside.

But even when the other person is not fully accepting, there is every reason to still be honest, because that is you; that is how you remain yourself, centered on the earth. You have to do it the right way, of course; you can’t be the person who goes, “If you can’t accept me at my worst, you don’t deserve me!” If it is just you revealing yourself and it upsets someone else, then so be it; you can’t hide yourself in order to protect other people. If it involves other people, you have to be kind, though if it’s a sensitive topic for them, maybe don’t go there at all. Being honest is not the same as saying everything you think.

MAUDE: This process is an ongoing adventure and brings forth wonderful exchanges that are both inspiring and enriching. When you are able to be together with another without barriers and know that you will be honored and respected for who you are, you can share more of your true self and be more of your potential. Both Phil and I have found this to be a beautiful path that is very attainable when you can create this mutually safe place to develop within. These kinds of relationships make you a better person. Isn’t that what we all seek and the reason for having relationships?

Reading Corner

Honesty is so important in creating peace in your relationships, and is a major factor, as evidenced by the number of times we have written about it.

How Honesty Leads to Trust in Your Relationships “A relationship that is grounded in the experience of peace is a powerful support for your growth and well-being. It is so far removed from the fears and blockages that interfere with your happiness and ability to actualize your potential that it seems almost magical. It feels both extraordinary and absolutely natural. It seems to require no effort to relate in that space, to feel the sense of the connection; to feel the other person and know where to meet them. There is a strong pull in that direction. Peace is very attractive, and peaceful connections are fulfilling and alluring.”

How Total Honesty Makes For Harmonious Relationships “Total honesty is a major part of a harmonious relationship. Holding back in the sense of not presenting yourself totally means that you are not quite yourself when you’re with the other person. That produces a force that makes you want to be away from the relationship and find 100% of yourself again, even if you don’t act on it. Everybody has that need, even if it is buried deeply. To be in a relationship with total honesty is to be free of needing to scratch that itch.
That might sound scary and risky. Are you going to be criticized or thought less of? At first, that’s a distinct possibility; you have to reveal yourself progressively to see what happens. Not everybody wants or can handle honesty. You have to get to know their attitudes and level of acceptance.”

The Importance of Sharing Your Truth in Relationships “Speaking honestly and telling your truth in your relationships can be tricky. It is not just about not lying, although that is certainly a good starting point. Lying always causes distance between you and the other person, even if you are the only one who knows it. It may be because you are also concealing it from yourself, or that you feel you won’t be heard if you speak it, or that it may hurt the other person. These are all real reasons that people tell themselves for lying, either directly or by omission. Regardless of the reason, it creates distance between you and the other person. You can avoid this kind of separation in your connections by first learning your truth. For some people that is clear, while for others it is a process that requires active inner work to find. Once you know it, you will need to find the proper time, language, and tone of voice to communicate that truth. You can just blurt it out without thinking about these things, but that is rarely successful.”