The Balance Between Self-Reflection and Connection in Relationships

Too much navel-gazing blocks the state of flow that has so much power

Wood carving of a couple. Photo credit: Phil Mayes

Hi there. Phil and Maude here. We’re on a birthday/anniversary journey, so we’ve each taken a turn at writing a blog on our own in advance of the trip. Here’s Maude:

MAUDE: Phil and I often write about how important it is to your relationships to get to know yourself and the truths that reflect who you are right now. We have emphasized the need for self-reflection so that you can make appropriate choices that represent your values, rather than just reacting from conditioning or outdated behavior. We support taking time to listen inside, and to become attuned to which of the thoughts and feelings that pass through you are the ones you want to express and act upon.

Seeking self-knowledge and becoming overly self-involved are not the same thing. The first creates an opportunity for increased conscious connection, and the second reduces it considerably. Many who embark on the path of self-realization lose themselves in the seeking and in the self.

Balance is that important ingredient. Anything done to the extreme becomes an impediment rather than an element of growth.

As you come to know yourself better, and you find ease and calm within, you do not need to be as busy with yourself, and can be more available for relating to others. You move into the present with increased awareness. When you are coming from a place of balance between involvement with yourself and connection to another, there is much more room to make contact. This is, of course, never a finished process. So, as you traverse it, remember to seek balance and watch out for any isolating patterns.

This shift has a strong effect, as it creates a noticeable change in your ability to be open and to relate. When you know where you want to put your attention and what is important for you, it changes your whole presence.

The less you are preoccupied with your own thoughts and feelings, the more you will be able to see and appreciate others. When you feel this kind of appreciation, be sure to acknowledge it and let the other person know. But that is a post for another day!

PHIL COMMENTS: I think Maude makes an important point here: it is necessary to be self-reflective about our interactions with others, because when everybody charges in with their raw needs, it becomes a struggle for control.

Yet too much navel-gazing blocks the state of flow that has so much power, whether working on your own projects or with other people.

Reading Corner

Here are some earlier posts on communication and connection.

How to Remove Tension and Find Peace in Your Relationships “We had a couple of heart-to-heart conversations this week; one about desires on my part, and one about the desires of Maude. I don’t want to describe them because they both involved other people, and the point of mentioning them is that they weren’t fraught. I had an expectation of push-back because that’s how negotiations usually work in life, but there was none. This is how it happens with us all the time, and it is a very magical process because there is no sense of compromise. It works because we each bring our full self to present to the other person. That requires self-reflection because I can seldom say why I want something without paying attention to what need is driving it, and there are usually deeper desires behind that, too.”

Why it is Important to be Honest and Share Your Truth in Relationships “To speak your truth takes self-reflection and requires knowing what your feelings, wants and even needs are, examining where any confusion lies, and then looking at how that applies to your relationships. No matter how open and connected those relationships are, if you aren’t aware of your own inner truth, the other person will have little chance of knowing what that is or how you feel. Fear of rejection, disapproval, or conflict often stops people from sharing honestly with loved ones. For this fear to be quieted, you have to feel safe in your relationships. Sharing the same core values and having relationships based on acceptance of your unique individuality promotes this sense of safety. Even when these critical factors are present, the method of presentation is pivotal in creating a loving uncharged exchange.”

Why It’s Important to Know Your Truth and Share it in Your Relationships “Yet, what is speaking one’s truth and how can you do it? This art must be developed through inner work and conscious behavior. To speak your truth you must first know what it is – that it comes from you, not from anyone else, and it represents your feelings and thoughts. It is not absolute, and can change as you look at a situation and your feelings and adjust accordingly. It takes self-reflection and a desire to know yourself so you can share openly. Finding that place resonates deeply and leaves you with a good feeling about yourself. Maude was recently feeling some tension between herself and a dear friend. Her first thoughts were all about her friend’s behavior, leaving her feeling critical and upset. Not wanting to maintain this feeling about her friend, she started searching within and looking at what she was feeling and why it caused such distress and a feeling of distance from her friend. After some inner reflection, she realized that what she wanted was really something quite simple that she hadn’t communicated at all, and yet she was feeling resentful that she wasn’t getting it from her friend. Once she knew her truth, she was able to communicate that very peacefully, with calm and a complete lack of tension. This led to a lovely interaction and a plan which was even better than what she had been looking for.”

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