How to Remove Tension and Find Peace in Your Relationships
Embrace each other’s wants and needs; don’t see them as oppositional or challenging to your own
Hi, Phil and Maude here. We write these newsletters to spread the message that you can find peace in your relationships, and in that way, be at peace in the world despite its turmoil. This comes from our direct experience. If you like our message, please pass it on to other people. We are grateful for all of you who have joined our community and look forward to hearing your thoughts and feelings on this post. Thanks for being here!
PHIL: We had a couple of heart-to-heart conversations this week; one about desires on my part, and one about the desires of Maude. I don’t want to describe them because they both involved other people, and the point of mentioning them is that they weren’t fraught. I had an expectation of push-back because that’s how negotiations usually work in life, but there was none.
This is how it happens with us all the time, and it is a very magical process because there is no sense of compromise. It works because we each bring our full self to present to the other person. That requires self-reflection because I can seldom say why I want something without paying attention to what need is driving it, and there are usually deeper desires behind that, too.
The second part that is necessary is to be open and hear what the other person’s needs are. I had a girlfriend who wanted what she wanted and that was it. She would bring up the same issue again and again until I gave in because that was the only resolution possible. With Maude, when we each bring our truth from the outset and also empathy for the other, we can find a position that is comfortable for both of us. It is like two bodies snuggling up to each other, each finding a position in which to be relaxed.
I think that there is some balancing going on that happens automatically. We each hear how important the other’s desires are versus our own, and we find the mid-point. This is not acquiescence; instead, that mid-point is a place where both of our needs are met. Think of Maslow’s hierarchy of physiological, social, and personal needs. There is no competition between two people except in a world of starvation, fighting over the last crust of bread. Instead, Maude and I supply each other with that essential human need of connection.
We are able to do this because we both know that we connect with each other through cooperation, not competition. This is how we can bring our full selves; there is no need to keep some part of ourselves private; there is no resistance. And that explains the magical quality involved. When electricity flows through a wire, it struggles because there is resistance; the lower the resistance of the wire, the more easily it flows. When the resistance becomes zero, the wire becomes a superconductor and exhibits novel qualities.
I hope that once you can imagine this magical quality in your relationships, you can manifest it for yourself.
MAUDE: This past week Phil and I had several larger decisions to make and solutions to find. One involved something I brought up, and one was brought up by Phil. These were in areas that, in many relationships, could have been the source of tension, resistance, and even estrangement. We experienced none of those.
Each of us felt good at the lack of any such conflict. There are a number of reasons for this. We are at ease with each other as we are both assured of the other’s full support. But even more importantly, we have a backlog of experience finding mutuality as a method of moving forward with decisions.
We have written about Our Process for this, and for us, this has developed into a way of relating to each other; a way of being rather than just a step-by-step process. It is one of the behaviors that come from living in peace. It is so important that you can speak honestly from the fullness of your heart, and that the other person will listen, take it in, and reflect and hear what is of meaning to you.
From this kind of mutual willingness to meet and embrace each other’s wants and needs, and not see them as oppositional or challenging to your own, an uncharged atmosphere is created that encourages openness. A gentle path emerges where talking, making decisions, and finding solutions is not fraught or loaded with resistance. The potential for a minefield is removed, and in its place is ever-increasing intimacy and connection.
You can communicate your desires much better if you know what they are. It helps to listen inside yourself and really find out what you want in a particular situation. Once you’ve done that, you can more readily find a way to put it into words to share with another.
To meet another person in this way requires that each party feels safe from attack or power trips. There has to be the assurance of meeting as co-conspirators rather than adversaries. The give and take has to have balance and be expressive of genuine caring. Often in relationships, people feel this way but react unconsciously and more out of habit. It is important to pay attention to tone of voice and to make clear you are speaking from your own feelings and perspective, rather than absolute statements that leave no room for including the other person’s needs.
This path is not difficult or out of reach for most people. It requires a belief in the possibility and a commitment to grow in the practice. The more you do it, the more attractive it becomes and the easier it is to go there. Peace is always a choice, and one you can make and practice in your deep relationships!
Reading Corner
These writers offer a number of ways (Eleven! Seven!) to do just that.
Signs that Stress May Be Affecting Your Relationship “The effects of stress on your relationship can be easily overlooked, allowing larger problems to arise. Knowing the warning signs can help keep you and your relationship healthy. Stress is an unavoidable part of life and can come from many sources. Work, finances, and family are all common areas for stress to arise. In times of emotional stress, we try to find ways to cope and move on. But coping with stress doesn’t mean eliminating it. Learning to effectively manage stress is important. Over time, stress can impact several aspects of your life and health, including your relationship.”
Love, factually: 11 tips to reduce relationship stress “You might know your love language, but do you know your ‘stress language’? Upward of 93% of human communication is nonverbal. Body language, facial expressions, auditory sounds and written communication methods can all convey stress without a word having been spoken. ‘If I come home after a long, stressful day of work and I am avoiding conversation and am not able to verbalize that stress, I am still communicating my stress in other ways,’ Randall said. The key is understanding how you communicate your stress and how your partner communicates their stress to facilitate effective communication despite any differences between these ‘stress languages’.”
7 ways to manage relationship stress “When you have a disagreement with someone, what do you do? Do you tend to ignore the problem or avoid the person? Do you confront them right away? Do you look for compromise? Everyone approaches conflict differently. When addressing conflict, it can be helpful to know your own style as well as your roommate or family member’s style. Knowing how you both address conflict can help you find common ground and navigate where your styles may clash.”