In a Relationship, Sometimes Just Being There is Everything

In peaceful relationships, listening and being present become a way of being that is part of the fabric of those connections. The loving, kind response is the go to choice

Phil and Maude. Photo credit: Phil Mayes

Hi, Phil and Maude here. We love reading your comments on our posts, so we look forward to your thoughts and feelings on this one.

MAUDE: An experience I had with Phil recently reminded me how important it is to just be there for another person sometimes. It sounds so simple and so natural. Just be there. And yet, it can mean so much to the other person.

I had something I needed to do, and it was causing me a prolonged state of anxiety every time I thought of it or moved toward taking care of it. I felt so strongly anxious that I didn’t even realize how disproportionate my response was to the situation.

I had gotten myself to the point where I could take action and had set up the method of doing that. I still felt almost paralyzed by my anxiety. This was quite unusual for me, as I normally would just bite the bullet and go for it.

There was so much swirling around inside me that I went into Phil’s office where he was working and shared what I was about to do. He turned to me with his full attention and listened quietly to me. Then he got up and hugged me, and said, “I’ll just come and sit next to you while you do it.” He didn’t offer to do it. He didn’t try to fix me or change what I was feeling. There was no judgment. He just offered me his presence, his calm, and the unspoken reassurance that I could do this, and I wasn’t alone with my feelings.

This changed the entire situation. I felt listened to and heard, even though I was unaware of having communicated anything specific. I felt strangely calmed, although no words to my issue were spoken. He was present and paying attention enough to hear a need that I wasn’t even aware of, and to give it to me.

In peaceful relationships, listening and being present become a way of being that is part of the fabric of those connections. The loving, kind response is the go-to choice. Sometimes just being there is everything.

PHIL: Maude approached me about a computer task looming in front of her, and I could tell she was in serious need, so I gave her a hug and promised to sit down with her. She was uncharacteristically frazzled, though it didn’t seem to me to be a particularly challenging task; I learned years ago that Google is your friend. Got a perplexing error message? Put it in Google surrounded by quotes, and somebody, somewhere in the world, has had the same problem. At the same time, I was there to offer support rather than do things directly.

I think this story illustrates a number of things. We all have different skills: I’m not good at sewing; I hate asking for help; I took the wilted salad back to the store and applauded myself for being bold; I enjoy balancing checkbooks; if a file is on your computer, I can find it. So what is an overwhelming problem for one person can be done en passant by someone else. Our social nature is why we feel good helping others, and everybody benefits.

Even just being there was a great help. There is strength in knowing that we are not alone in doing things, whether it is physical help, guidance, or just playing long stop (a cricket position; look it up).

That this was a big struggle for Maude was immediately clear to me, and I think that it’s because we all have an exquisite sensitivity to the states of other people; for instance, the amygdala evaluates faces and assesses the trustworthiness of an individual.

Of course, to be aware of how someone else is and respond to it requires being present and paying attention to the underlying message as well as the words. So when you are with someone, certainly tell them how you are and what you’ve been doing. That’s how we open and share ourselves. But also make space for them. Listen between the words. They will know you are seeing them.

Hi. Thanks for joining us in our project to spread peace, one relationship at a time. It would be great to support us as a monthly or annual paid subscriber or buy us a coffee as a one-time contribution.

Reading Corner

There are many aspects to being there for someone; here are some posts we’ve written about that.

You Can’t Love If You’re Not There: Why Presence Matters “So when you are with someone, by all means, share with them what happened and plans for the future, but also take in the sense of being with another person, because this is a deep need that we all have. To do that, look or listen or feel for the stillness. Which doesn’t mean not allowing yourself to move; it means not doing anything, it means just hanging out. Being present like this with someone involves two things. One is paying attention to their words, their pauses, their tone, their body language, and not being distracted by what else is going on in the environment or what you have coming up later in the day. The other is paying attention to what is happening within yourself – your breath, tension, feelings, and thoughts. Just observe them rather than holding on to them. It’s about doing nothing, of just being on a fairground ride, letting it take you on its journey.”

Why You Need a Balance of Being and Doing in Your Relationships “A relationship also consists of being and doing. The doing is obvious, from the walks on the beach that decorate online profiles to taking the kids to the dentist. But a relationship is more that that; it is a mystical connection between people, and when you set aside all that activity, the being is revealed, the sense of yourself and the other person. Just as the Artist Date grounds and revivifies us, so does paying attention to the experience of being with another person; it feeds our need for connection, it gives a sense of being that is greater than our island self. There is a balance between being and doing – you probably don’t want to be that person who never gets anything done. You need balance in your own life, and you need a similar balance of being and doing to make a thriving relationship.”

Why the Essence of Connection in Your Relationships is Being Present “This kind of presence has many aspects to it. It involves awareness, intention, purpose, willingness, peace, stillness, availability, openness. It is associated with not having a pre-planned agenda. We may have an outer description of what we are doing; writing, walking, eating, traveling, but once we are together it is an adventure into the unknown. Feeling connected to another is dependent on them being there, not necessarily physically, but with their core self. Physical presence and contact adds much to the sense of connection, but Covid has taught us that we can truly have deep relationships at a distance if we practice presence. I was in a Zoom class with a mid-size group this weekend and felt deeply connected to them all. It gave me quite a jolt to notice how much we felt together even though people were attending from around the world. Someone pointed this out and everyone agreed that after meeting for several weeks in both the larger group and in smaller breakout sessions, there was a noticeable sense of being connected – of being present with each other.”There are many aspects to being there for someone; here are some posts we’ve written about that.

Hi. Thanks for joining us in our project to spread peace, one relationship at a time. It would be great to support us as a monthly or annual paid subscriber or buy us a coffee as a one-time contribution.