How Relationships are Your Path Toward Growth

Looking inward to realize and get to know more of yourself is an integral part of gaining self-knowledge

Graphics credit: Phil Mayes

Hi there, it’s Phil and Maude here. We continue to explore aspects of peaceful relationships. We’re so glad you’ve joined us for that.

MAUDE: As I continue on this year’s adventure of spending intimate time with those with whom I have deep relationships, I keep learning more about myself. This has been one of the unexpected and profound realizations as I experience these adventures. I will add that an unexpected and delightful occurrence has been that a few people have asked to be included in this adventure in order to create deeper connections.

I am becoming more aware of how critical our relationships are to our own growth. Looking inward to realize and get to know more of ourselves is an integral part of gaining self-knowledge. It is also an important path toward peaceful relationships. Interacting with other people gives us a special window into ourselves and is very different from relating to a chair, as Phil once joked!

Phil and I were talking the other night, and he said, “When I feel myself reacting to someone with discomfort, withdrawal, or confusion, I go inside and talk it over with myself. I ask, “Hmm, what is going on inside of me that is bringing this turmoil or reaction?” And there is the practice perfectly described!

What is going on inside me? What is this reaction about? A rich field of learning and growth awaits those who follow this path. It removes conflict, blame, withdrawal, and judgment in one simple act. To reap the most benefit from such self-exploration, look for what values are involved. Are there real values involved, or is this reaction some leftover vestige of earlier life? Is this fear-motivated, or love-motivated?

Ultimately, when we follow this path, we realize how we can best be of service and how we can apply our unique abilities toward bringing love and goodness into the world. We become active participants in spreading peace into a world where it is sorely needed.

PHIL: In the last few years, I’ve been thinking about how language is a relatively recent invention, and its benefits have been so great that we use it for all our interactions with the world. Before language, we used senses, instincts, feelings, intuitions to survive in the world (and successfully so, or else we wouldn’t be here.) All of those responses still exist, but I (and most other people, I think) only pay attention to the verbal half.

Isn’t this fascinating! There is a whole other part of me that influences my life that I don’t pay attention to. Sure, this is not an original insight; Freud, Kahneman, and others have written about this, but I find the verbal/nonverbal divide a useful way to think about it. To understand my other side, I must move my attention away from words, and what I find, I cannot (by definition) even speak about. The best I can do is use words to point.

This new framing is why I have taken to meditating again: sitting in the morning, following the breath, trying to shift attention from a verbal view of the world, mainly what happened and what might happen, to nonverbal experiences: my breath, the tension in my shoulders, the way I am not sitting straight, the sound of the garbage truck, emotions that arise, what I need at Ralph’s – no, wait, I’m back thinking again! It’s a task I largely fail at, despite years of sporadic practice.

But that way of watching but not reacting seeps out into the world, and I am finding that more and more, when something happens that jars me or pushes a button, I stop and say What is happening? Oh, this is interesting. What is it inside me that I’m responding to? What is going on for me here that I’m having this reaction? It gives me a choice. And by doing this, I roll through the days more easily.

Maude, on hearing this, pointed out that it is with relationships that these kinds of reactions arise; a chair doesn’t produce the same responses.

These reactions are an opportunity to look at myself and how I relate to others (or perhaps avoid relating). Each time is an opportunity to respond more honestly.

I think some kind of introspection is necessary for growth. We’ve all heard of or know people with 4 or 5 marriages; they strike me as people who have not been able to look at what they are doing.

My verbal and nonverbal sides each have their own language and wisdom, and they each have my best interests at heart. I am trying to hear both voices.

Reading Corner

Here are some of our earlier posts about how to use this in your relationships.

How to Stop Irritation Poisoning Your Relationship “When Phil noticed yesterday that he had spoken in a manner that made him uncomfortable, he looked within himself to see what was happening. He chose a time when we were alone together and sitting in close contact to share what he felt and why he had spoken in the manner he did. Touch can be very helpful in these moments, if it is a comfortable choice for you. Instead of both feeling strange or hurt or distressed, we drew closer, and again had cause to realize that we both want the same things and that neither of us likes or feels good to be out of harmony with ourselves or each other.”

How To Avoid Relationship Conflicts With One Little Word “I was in a Zoom women’s group and was sharing about a technique that was discussed in a class I attended. This technique was designed to be used in situations where you are feeling responses like irritation, impatience, or anger in your relationships. The simple, yet very effective technique, is to ask yourself in such a situation, “What is important here?” This helps you to calm down and to think about where you want to put your emphasis in responding to a situation you are finding challenging. When I recounted this story, I unconsciously added a word to it. I said. “Stop, and ask yourself what is important here.” One of the women shared that hearing me say stop gave her something she could understand working with when things were getting heated in a relationship. If you stop, what are you stopping? You are stepping away from being reactive in the situation. When you stop, the very first thing you will often find is that you can breathe. In these situations, people often start holding their breath without realizing it. Stopping pulls you into the present and gives you a moment to step back from being drawn into conflict, if that’s where your mind or the other person’s behavior is going.”

How to Handle Discord in Your Relationship “As we were discussing what to share on how you can avoid this sense of separation in your relationships, this sense of disjointedness, I asked Phil what he would say to others about this, and he replied, “Don’t go there in the first place and if you’re in there, get out.” So, where is “there”? “There” is where you feel at odds with the other person, where you forget the we/us sense and lose sight of the fact of being on the same side. It’s where you stop functioning from that deep bond and instead flounder around in some confusion of the mind. This place is tinged with fear and defensiveness. How do you get out? It will be different for each person, but in every case, it involves not being attracted to this sensation of separateness. Return to your sense of surety in the connection and find your trust of that, even if you are not seeing it in the moment. It involves a practice of looking inside yourself to find out what is going on with you, rather than thinking it is about the other person.”

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