How It’s Possible to Practice Acceptance in Your Relationships

The more you are unquestioningly accepted, the more freedom you have to be yourself

Maude and Catherine in San Anselmo. Photo credit: Phil Mayes

Hi, this is Phil and Maude. We want to share an experience we had last week of acceptance. We hope you can see this as a stepping-stone toward a wider vision of peace.

MAUDE: One of the many things that happened this week was a visit from a very dear friend, who stayed with us for over a week. This visit was profound, yet simple and easy at the same time. It gave me a direct experience of total acceptance, something Phil and I have practiced and grown into fully, and which we find one of the keys to having peaceful relationships.

It was eye-opening to go through this with the understanding of what was happening as it happened. My friend lives alone, Phil and I live together, and my youngest son has been living with us for the last year and a half.

The coming together and finding a rhythm of living with each other was smooth and easy. There was a deep understanding between us that brought out a gentle openness to each other. We listened and heard what each of our individual needs were and merged into a flow of acceptance. Many of you associate acceptance with giving in and/or giving up. This is not what we refer to.

It was clear that we all wanted nothing but the best for each other. No one was holding on to having any given situation be a certain way, while at the same time, there were specific needs and desires that one or the other of us had, that needed to be honored. This acceptance was total from the beginning, but it also grew in its expression as the days went by.

It was gratifying to live through the path of total acceptance with others, as it is an important part of creating peaceful relationships. Having this experience that Phil and I live with, in the context of four people doing it together, was delicious and confirming.

This way of being, like many others, gets easier and smoother with practice. It brings with it an intense sense of relaxation and ease. The more you are unquestioningly accepted for who and how you are, the more freedom you have to be yourself. This exhibits itself most distinctly with those with whom you share living space, but it applies to all relationships, particularly the deep and intimate ones. It is best when a feeling of safety as well as ease is created through the way you relate.

I want to include one other very important factor. Joy. It is an exquisite pleasure to be with people with whom you can share this way of being together. It feels so right and so natural. We long for the day when this practice spreads from the few to the many, and we can see that kinship between us all becomes a living reality.

PHIL: This is a very different relationship for me. I struggle to describe it because I have never met these qualities before. It is a place of peace that feels like home; not a place I reside in all the time, but the place I return to, the place where I am comfortable. It’s a really interesting experience of both having a completely separate existence and of being completely in sync and in tune with Maude.

So the question arises of how we do this, and I think a lot of the answer lies in what we don’t do, and that is to interfere with what the other person is doing. We’re not perfect, of course, but we do pretty well at understanding that each of us has our own interests, ideas, and ways of doing things. This is what allows me to reside in a place of peace where I do not worry about whether what I am doing meets with approval or not.

It is also freeing in the sense that I don’t have to worry; I don’t have to act like a manager checking that his worker is doing things correctly.

I never survived in any other relationship for more than about three years, and yet with Maude, I’m about to hit 20 years. Much of that earlier dissatisfaction was of my own making; I had expectations about intelligence, looks, and interests that were unrealistic, but I now see there was another aspect. After those breakups, along with the loss I had a sense of finding myself again. What did I like, what did I want to do, questions that were always moderated by how they would fit with the relationship.

With Maude, there is no sense of losing myself, and hence no need to make space in order to find myself again.

I’m not saying that there is no caring, no doing things for or with each other; of course there is, but it is a giving, not a taking. This is a subtle point. We have tasks that we take on like changing the sheets and taking the trash out, but they never turn into expectations.

So that is why I say that much of the answer lies in what we don’t do. We do positive things, too: honesty, respect, trust, but it is total acceptance that creates the sense of peace.

Reading Corner

Here are some articles on differences and how to navigate them and find a place of acceptance.

Rebuilding Emotional Safety: How to Accept Differences in a Relationship “In addition to using soft start-ups and practicing fair fighting, another effective tool to establish a healthy emotional environment and safety within a relationship is accepting your partner for who they are.  When stress is high or conflict is prominent, it can be easy to criticize your partner or point out their flaws.  However, for long-term relationship success, the practice of acceptance and accepting your partner for all that they are promotes understanding, respect, and relationship success.”

Accepting Other People’s Differences “Respecting both similarities and differences in others opens doors to many opportunities. You’ll learn new things and make better decisions, which in turn will help your career and improve your self-confidence. Others notice our openness, which can lead to new friendships,exciting travel opportunities, or simply makes us more interesting because of our broader worldview. In intimate relationships, differences are often a source of conflict, but they can just as easily be a blessing. Each partner’s unique perspective helps eliminate blind spots for the other one; their distinct skills can compliment weakness of the other. I lean on my wife for advice when I need to be diplomatic; she counts on me to navigate when we travel together.”

Exploring Similarities and Differences in Relationships! “Again, similarities are great, but the truth is we all naturally have differences as well. Having dislikes about random things your spouse does or differences in areas of life that are important to you but not to them does not necessarily mean a relationship is doomed.  What it boils down to is a willingness to work toward acceptance and appreciation of these differences. Am I able to truly accept this difference in value, spirituality, life goal, and way of operating, OR, does accepting this difference in my partner extinguish a piece of my soul and dim my own individuality in any way?”