Why Respect is Important for Creating Peaceful Relationships

Like many words, it has come to have several meanings. There is deference: you should respect your parents or pay your respects to someone. But in a relationship it has a different meaning

Stills merged from a video. Photo credit: Phil Mayes

PHIL: Respect. Like many words, it has come to have several meanings. There is deference: you should respect your parents or pay your respects to someone. But in a relationship, it has a different meaning.

When we started to talk about how it manifests in our relationship, my first thought was that I respect Maude for her unflinching honesty. To know that she means what she says rather than having to wonder if it is a coded message is a wonderful relief. But then I thought that respect is not the right word; I love her for it and admire her effortless ability to be direct, but respect in a relationship is not the same as a respect for talents; for instance, I respect my sister for her amazing ability to draw a face in two minutes.

Respect in a relationship is about recognizing that you are equal, and that can be hard to see because there are so many differences between people. We’ve often written about accepting differences, but language gets in the way here because we have great difficulty in holding two opposite qualities at once. Water isn’t both hot and cold; it’s not night and day at the same time.

Yet people are both the same and different at once. There are similarities in that we breathe and eat and watch Netflix, but the similarity that respect recognizes is that we all exist, have our own worlds and views and foibles.

So treat other people as if they were another you. (This is the Golden Rule.) Don’t impinge, tread on, poke, or invade them. Of course, you can interact, advise, react, suggest, but we each have our own boundary, our own locus of control; don’t overstep it.

I think the idea of equality is a hard idea for many people to grasp because we are the center of our own world. The Declaration of Independence opens by saying that all men are created equal. I find that an inspiring basis for a nation. Would that we all live up to it.

MAUDE: Phil and I were talking about an element of relationships that we haven’t often brought up in our posts, respect. A new understanding of what that is within relationships would go a long way toward creating loving peaceful interactions. It is often seen as a formal way of relating to others; most often with strangers or those in a position of authority.

There is a much more vital aspect to feeling and behaving with respect in our intimate and deepest relations, and in developing this behavior in a way that we can spread out into the larger community. It is one that is much needed now to deal with the times we find ourselves in. It is also a basic component of all peaceful connections.

When we relate to another, we have to do so with a profound respect for their sacrosanct nature. This understanding brings about an unexpected result. It means that we accept and honor the boundaries between ourselves and those of others. And strangely, by the very fact that we do that, the boundaries slowly disappear, along with any sense of separation and distance. By treating the other person with honor and an awareness of their unique person, we establish a deep sense of calm, trust and safety in the relationship.

Each of us is unique. Inherent in that statement is the truth that we are by our very nature always different. We experience the paradox of being both different and the same. We all share so much within our humanity, and yet we each bring different pieces of the puzzle to the party. When we approach others with this understanding, it does much to foster the kind of connection that those who value peace desire. Phil and I have a sense of awe about our uniqueness as we share ourselves. We have developed a keen awareness of our similarities and differences. I find myself grateful for both, and am amazed that his otherness seems to be a constant source of learning and discovery, even after all these years!

I have found this kind of closeness with others through the same methods of respect and recognition. Although, I must also admit that spreading this out toward the larger community still presents its challenges for me. Yet, the more I experience it with those with whom I have bridged the gap, the deeper I am attracted to interacting in this way. There is much fascination and joy in uncovering the similarities within the differences and the value of both.

Reading Corner

Here are some earlier posts of ours that examine this very important aspect of successful relationships.

Why Respect is Important for a Happy, Loving Relationship “Respect is almost an old fashioned word. We don’t speak of it often. And yet, it is one of the cornerstones of happy loving relationships. It is what we offer when we accept another’s individuality. Not just accepting, but honoring their uniqueness. We show respect by the way we treat each other: by our tone of voice, our willingness to listen, to accept the inevitable differences of personality and behavior. We show it by our love and our kindness; by the empathy we feel and the warmth, safety and comfort we give.”

Why Respect and Equality are so Important in Your Relationships “Many of the qualities that we write and teach about that contribute to happy, peaceful relating have a common underpinning, and that is respect. When you accept the uniqueness of expression of another, you are showing respect. When you listen with the intention to truly hear and understand another person, you are being respectful. When you speak your truth to another, you are behaving with respect. When we treat each other with “due regard”, we grow toward a Golden Rule of relating. This calls for honoring others with our presence and attention, and offering them that which we most desire ourselves. The very simple interactions we all crave lie in being heard, being seen and being acknowledged as we see ourselves. And most of all, being accepted for who we are without feeling we are being asked to be who or what we are not.”

Why Respect is the Small Word With Big Importance in Relationships “A less frequently talked about, but equally important aspect of peaceful harmonious relationships, is respect. Respect need not be based on accomplishments or be earned. It is something we offer arising from an awareness of our kindred nature. We offer respect for each other’s uniqueness, individuality, and commonality. Respect encompasses honoring the other while feeling connected to them by the similarities of nature. It leads to an expression of acceptance and appreciation of their “otherness”. It has a basic understanding of the Golden Rule of “do unto others…” built into it. Respect for another leads to allowing for their will and their choices to be different than your own and an attitude of non-interference with those differences. As you grow in your practice of respect, you will find you are learning a lot about yourself from these close interactions with that “otherness”. It often engenders fascination with getting to know and understand how something so basically different can be the same.”