Why Acknowledgment is Like a Magic Charm for Relationships

Feeling seen and heard for who you are is a balm to the soul. It brings joy and a quiet sense of peace

Phil gets a forest for his birthday. Photo credit: Maude Mayes

PHIL: We were talking about the role of acknowledgment in relationships. At basis, it’s a recognition that the other person exists. You are saying “I see you”, which is incredibly affirming. It’s more than saying “Oh, there you are”; it’s recognizing them for what they do and how they are, and it’s important because (as I rant so often these days) we are social creatures; we have a need for each other built deep into our genes, and to be acknowledged is to have that connection reaffirmed.

So offer a thank you, a text, a card. But it doesn’t have to be verbal. A wave, a touch, a bouquet, holding the door for someone; they all recognize that the other person exists and is seen.

To do this, you have to observe the other person, you have to recognize what they have done or how they are in the moment, rather than operating from your ideas and expectations about the other person. Just for one little moment, be present, and then you can retreat to your thoughts and smartphone.

In our close relationships, acknowledgment goes hand-in-hand with acceptance; the idea of not bitching about what the other person is doing because, really, it’s none of your business; it’s their business, so leave them alone. More than that, you should appreciate and celebrate this; you should rejoice in their individuality.

Acknowledgment is how you let the other person know about your acceptance and appreciation.

MAUDE: The other day, a dear friend came to visit us between two appointments she had in town. We had such a lovely visit, enjoying being together. She lives about an hour away and we don’t get to see each other that often. It was so sweet visiting, that I wrote her a note thanking her for making the effort and sharing how much we both enjoyed it. She wrote back suggesting making a date to get together at her home.

This exchange started me thinking about how magical acknowledgment can be, and how important it is in all relationships. It doesn’t have to be verbal so much as it is reflecting back an experience of the other. It can be expressed in many ways, from stopping to give someone a hug, to listening carefully to what they are sharing with you. It is always a sign of being present and available.

Phil and I have acknowledgment woven into the fabric of our relationship, with an ever-present flow of attention to and awareness of each other. It continues through the day with little moments where we look at each other with a “Hey, hi, glad you are here” glance, exchange some words to that effect, or just say thank you.

Since Covid, I have relationships that take place over distances via phone, email, text, and social media. These all afford opportunities to acknowledge a person and non-verbally say “I see you.” In my deep connection to a friend that occurs mostly on the phone, there is this constant flow as well, where we speak and listen to each other in the same way that lets each of us know that we are known for who we are and are being heard and appreciated.

Feeling seen and heard for who you are is a balm to the soul. It brings joy and a quiet sense of peace. Relationships that incorporate this spread that peace outward, and tend to build an awareness of how to do this with other people, even in brief encounters. As we pass by in the world, we can do this for each other. There is nothing that breaks down the separation of ‘us’ and ‘them’ more than being acknowledged and knowing you are seen by someone.

Reading Corner

Here are some of our earlier writings on acceptance, appreciation and acknowledgment.

How to Strengthen Your Relationships with Appreciation and Acknowledgment “I had an experience the other day that brought up for me just how meaningful it can be to let another person know that you see them and appreciate them. I was texting back and forth with a friend, when all of a sudden, right in the midst of a rather mundane text about little things we were sharing, she wrote “I just have to tell you how much I relish that you’re in my life.” It took my breath away for a moment to receive this comment. It stopped me and turned my mind to thinking about the importance of these kinds of acknowledgments. I know my friend feels this way without her saying it, but it still had a strong impact on me to hear her state it.”

Why Relationships Last: Acceptance, Acknowledgment, Appreciation “It is an amazing feeling when someone truly sees you, hears you, and celebrates who you are; when the feedback you receive is acknowledging, accepting, and appreciative. There is a sense of warmth and relief that comes over you and a calm relaxation that engulfs you when you are offered this gift. This is the actual experience of peace that descends upon you when interactions are devoid of criticism, rejection, or attempts to change you. There is a similar experience of peacefulness within you when you can accept, acknowledge and appreciate the uniqueness, the otherness of someone you are relating to. When you approach them with this attitude, it changes you. When you experience actions or statements that are different from the way you usually act and can still recognize the commonality, it is transformative.”

3 Things That Every Person Wants in Their Relationships “In any relationship, it is important to be accepted for who we are, to be appreciated for who we are, and to be acknowledged for who we are. Most relationships will blossom when they have this group of responses as an underpinning…The question then becomes how do you use this awareness, how do you apply this way of being and seeing each other directly in your relationships. The first thing is to speak it out loud to each other. If you never communicate it, the other person has no idea; your good feelings stay locked within you. Just because you see it doesn’t mean that they telepathically know it. When you acknowledge the good things in your relationships, the feeling of being seen and appreciated is powerful. Say it in words and show it in actions.”