Embracing Acceptance: How to Let Go of Annoyances in Relationships

To have peaceful relationships where your exchanges support and stimulate each other, realize that you have a choice

Photo note: Two hearts that beat as one. Photo credit: Phil Mayes

MAUDE: Phil shared a thought last night: “Why get cross with anyone? You will only have to fix it later. It’s like knocking over a vase of flowers because you don’t like the arrangement. You’ll just have to mop up after.” I commented that the underlying meaning of that statement is that you have a choice in how you react and respond at any given time. And the second part, about needing to fix it later suggests that you don’t actually want anger and distance in your relationships, and if you put it out, you would have to go back and repair that somehow.

So let’s assume that you wish to have peaceful relationships, where your exchanges support and stimulate each other. You may not achieve this all the time, but that is your basic intent. Then, it is worthwhile to examine and realize that you have a choice.

The path toward picking a meaningful response is to be thoughtful rather than reactive. In another post on this issue, we suggested stopping and asking yourself, “What is important here?”. When I find myself ready to react with a snarky tone of voice or a provocative retort, I like to think about what is of meaning and value to me. Just venting doesn’t do anything for me, it usually makes me feel worse. And as Phil suggested, I’ll only have to go back and fix it later.

This is a good opportunity for me to reflect upon what the value is for me in the exchange, and what is going on inside me that leads me to react so differently. So many challenging conversations can be turned into loving interactions by going for the value rather than the flash reaction. That kind of response usually serves no purpose other than to disturb the peace. I’m not talking about “keeping the peace at all costs”, but rather being peaceful within, as well as in my interactions.

This is a habit pattern that I have practiced which I find very helpful. I do not mean to suggest I have mastered this chosen behavior, but I am not attracted to the feelings of the reactive pattern, and I do feel really good when I come from what is of true meaning and value to me.

When we realize we have a choice in how we are, it is extremely empowering.

PHIL: In this conversation, Maude was concerned that people would take it that we were suppressing our irritation in some way. That’s not the case. As you know, when you do that, it comes out later. Whether that is days, weeks, or years ahead, it always comes out, and in the interim, there is an undercurrent of annoyance. That’s not us. I know because I’ve been there, and this is different. Sure, there are always things between us: I don’t like how you do something; I would do it a different way, I don’t like how that sounds, lunch is late, or whatever. There are little things like that all the time. And both of us go “Okay, so what,” to use that wonderful Andy Warhol phrase.

This is total acceptance in practice, a very important idea that we have explored extensively elsewhere.

I loved Maude’s observation that this was about choice. We make choices all the time. Here’s how to experience what a choice feels like. Put a knife and a fork on the table. Choose which one to pick up, and then do so. Repeat a number of times. You can take this sense of choice into real-life situations by inserting an air gap between the stimulus and the response. That is where choice lives. When something annoys you, you can be cross or say “So what?” It’s not about avoiding confrontation because you will have to clean up later; it’s about choosing to remain in your peaceful center.

Reading Corner

Here are a few of our previous blogs about this topic.

It’s Important to Know You Can Choose Peaceful Relationships “Peace is just a concept or a word to many people. It has not yet become an experience, a visceral reality. It has the element of fantasy to some, or something that is far off and distant to others. And it will remain so if you do not make it a part of how you live and conduct your deep relationships. Phil and I know that this is possible, and what we want to share is that there is a choice to be made. There is nothing wrong with feeling bad, but when you are consciously or unconsciously attracted and prone to dwelling in negativity, that is a choice. You can choose peace, you can create peace in your own life. There are many aspects to how, and those are the topics of our posts. The real deciding factor is to make the choice to move in that direction, realize you can, and keep choosing it each time you are confronted with a decision.”

How to Create Peace Instead of Conflict in Your Relationships “A close relationship is fundamentally different from others as it is built upon openness and honesty, both in sharing and accepting. This creates trust, which allows you to be more open, which creates more trust, and so on. You can set an intention and make a choice to imbue your relationships with these qualities. How do you carry this out? Applying awareness to the tone and timbre of your voice, your body language, making eye contact, expressing warmth and attentiveness, being patient, and listening actively – these create an atmosphere conducive to openness. It is vital to feel comfortable and free of all worries of being attacked, criticized, or any actions that will require defensiveness, closing down, protecting, or withholding. Those things cause separation and withdrawal from the connection and lead to the buildup of issues – the kind of issues that cause conflict and distance between people.”

Why Little Things Like Thank You are Important in Relationships “Our experience of the world is very much influenced by our choices. Take a look within and make decisions for yourself. Are you an agent of peace and harmony? Do you wish to be? Look at your communications, both verbal and non-verbal. What are the little things that you practice? Do you acknowledge and appreciate the people you are close to? Peace and a sense of harmony are visceral. You can spread these in each and every interaction you have; within each relationship there are many opportunities to make them a reality. The more we create peace and harmony and the more we experience them, the more we will be spreading that reality in the world.”