How Peaceful Relationships Create the Freedom to Be Yourself

The freedom to be yourself underlies all your exchanges, bringing with it a relaxed, gentle kindness in the place of stress, pressure, anxiety or defensiveness

Maude dancing in Big Sur. Photo credit: Phil Mayes

Phil and Maude here. Just a reminder that each week's audio is read by Phil, not a computer! He’s no amateur; he has half a dozen audio books to his credit.

MAUDE: Peaceful relationships are attractive. Once you have experienced the kind of deep calm and relaxation that such a connection provides, it is natural to want more. Developing these kinds of interactions through the many methods we outline in our weekly posts, opens up a rich field of delightful pleasures: being seen, accepted and appreciated for who you are, the removal of tension that comes from knowing you won’t be confronted with power and dominance issues, the joy of sharing with another with trust, openness and honesty.

All of these arise from one of the most important elements created by peaceful relationships: the freedom to be yourself. When you share an actual living peace with another person, as opposed to a hypothetical one, this freedom underlies all your exchanges. It transforms the relationship, bringing with it a relaxed, gentle kindness in the place of stress, pressure, anxiety or defensiveness.

Our survival skills flood us with many responses that are left over vestiges of a way of relating that is much closer to war than peace. The more we learn how to respond rather than react, the easier it will be to leave behind these more primitive forms of interaction and establish connections founded on the intention to love and support each other.

To do so requires the intention as well as the belief that it is possible. This is a primary reason that Phil and I share our adventures in having a peaceful togetherness. If we can, so can you, if you so desire. It does require the will to do so, as well as the willingness to look at yourself and become aware of your behavior. Peace is a form of connection that requires both presence and awareness.

If you lose awareness of your own actions and reactions, you are apt to fall back into the kinds of behaviors that lead to distance rather than bringing you closer; those unconscious ones like a snarky tone of voice, disregard of the feelings and needs of the other person, answering with stock responses or pushing the other person away, and not being attentive. You cannot listen and offer love if you are not actually there in the present with the other person. The more you are in your own head, the less you will be able to practice peace.

Won’t you join us in spreading peace with intention and joy? It is a powerful way to balance all that we are living through with what we know to be of true meaning and value.

PHIL: Maude writes about the freedom we have in our relationships, and I think it’s an uncommon word in that context. People think of relationships in terms of obligations or commitments. The very act of marrying involves making promises.

For much of my life, I was called commitment-phobic across a number of relationships, and that was probably true, except that I got married once, and bought a house with someone once, so what was the source of my reluctance? Rather than lie on the couch and attempt to understand the past, it’s easier and more useful to describe the difference with Maude, and that is that she has no expectations, no demands. OK, it feels like that, but it’s not entirely true. Of course we have expectations of each other, and we formalized those in our wedding vows, which were basically (top of my head recall here) to be open with each other.

So the freedom lies within that constraint, which is no constraint at all, but a wonderful invitation, the freedom to speak and be myself. Add to that the knowledge that what Maude says is the truth; there is no hidden agenda, and these are what create a spacious place to live.

Maude also writes about intention, and I could riff on how that implies choice or how empathy counters my ego, but it’s really about how you want to live. If your experience of relationships has been of anger, shyness, blame, or avoidance, then it’s a challenge to move away from those and live peacefully, because they are familiar (in several senses of the word) patterns. This is why we write about peaceful relationships. By describing their many different facets, we hope to convey that they are both real and possible.

Reading Corner

Here are some articles about acceptance, which is an important aspect of having this kind of freedom in your relationships.

How Can Relationship Differences Lead to Peace, not Anger or Resentment? “The twin sisters of recognition of individuality and acceptance of what that offers, are a true path of freedom from anger, resentment, defensiveness, separation and estrangement. They bring a shift in your very reality. You are catapulted into the present, into living with what is rather than your mental construct of what could or should be. And in this present is love and peace…You have the freedom to be yourself, a rarity in this world. You can be yourself when alone, and you can be yourself in the presence of your partner. The result is a simultaneous experience of being separate and together. When there are no expectations or demands or restrictions on you, it can result in a closeness like no other.”

Do You Have Thumbtacks in Your Relationship? “Thumbtacks represent, of course, lack of total acceptance from your partner. They’re criticisms, irritations, demands; they all want you to act differently in some way. Your partner doesn’t accept you as you are. But when there are no thumbtacks, when your partner offers what we call 100% acceptance, the effect is transforming. You can be yourself. The importance of 100% cannot be underestimated; it is nothing like 99% because anything less involves measurement, division, in and out, good and bad. It enables total freedom from the need to withdraw and to defend, and consequently to separate. The extraordinary freedom to be yourself that comes from this kind of acceptance can only be achieved by 100%. The freedom is liberating. Just as with the dancing, there is no comparison; 99% acceptance and 100% acceptance are not different by 1%. They differ in quality in the way that two parallel lines differ from two non-parallel lines.”

Are You Losing Your Individuality in Your Relationship? “When your partner accepts, acknowledges and appreciates your individuality, it affords you the possibility of attaining true freedom of expression. In order for this to manifest, you have to recognize the opportunities created, and then act on them…. As you learn to take advantage of the freedom your partner is offering, you will come to appreciate what a wonderful opportunity this provides for you to be yourself, not someone else’s expectations of you. Once you can see this, act on it. Offer your true self: what you want, what you believe, what you feel.” A quote from How Two: Have a Successful Relationship