How Appreciation and Acknowledgment Open a Path to Peaceful Relationships

Given that part of our nature is the attraction toward other people, look for it in personal relationships, too

Phil with his appreciation award. Photo credit: Maude Mayes

Hi, Phil and Maude here. We’re so happy you’re here with us and that you want to find peace within your relationships. We’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings on this post.

MAUDE: On the path toward peaceful relationships, there are two areas we want to explore today: appreciation and acknowledgment. Both of these can be mighty contributors toward peaceful and loving relating.

I was at a birthday party today with a group of women, and I heard one woman lean toward the woman opposite her and say, “You look really beautiful today; you seem to be shining from within.” If the woman who was told this was not shining before, she sure was after that comment. It feels so good to know someone sees you.

To appreciate another person takes a decision to approach them with awareness. It requires being conscious of the other person, and not just being wrapped up in yourself and what you are mentally busy with. You have to be observing with attention and be interested. Appreciation involves listening and being open to finding out more about what that person is feeling and thinking. What do they value? What special insight do they have? What brings them joy?

This kind of awareness is colored by the intention of generosity; generosity of spirit. You look for the best with open eyes and heart. What’s important is that you are actually looking. By being present with this kind of awareness, you gain much from the connection. You enter another world and find the treasures therein. This is the kind of experience that appreciation for another gives to the ones doing the appreciating.

What does it do for the person being appreciated? Appreciation and acknowledgment are intertwined. Once you find the gems you appreciate in the other person, find ways to tell them of your discoveries. Tell them what you see and feel. It will add to how they see themselves, and bring that special pleasure you get when you know you are being seen.

For the first years of Phil and me being together, he would frequently remark that no one had ever seen him the way I described him and that it was new to him, although he could relate to what I was telling him. He shared that it gave him an expanded view of himself, as well as pleasure from hearing how he was perceived. After a few decades of being together, this happens less frequently. But it does still happen, and it still offers him that same wide-eyed response of hearing something new about himself.

The longer we are in friendships, marriages, and other deep relationships, the easier it is to stop being aware and to stop acknowledging those traits to each other. Guard against this kind of complacency. Be comfortable in your relationships, but do not take them for granted. Every time you appreciate and acknowledge someone, you become closer. It reaffirms the connection and adds a gentleness and a sense of peace between you.

PHIL: I have, in recent years, come to the realization that we live as a group; that we are all dependent on each other. That’s the nature of humans, and so our need for and attraction to other people is built deeply into us. That attraction must be accepting of differences because that is how everything gets done. I can only do a certain number of things by myself. It takes other people with different skills, abilities, and desires to make society function, and I have come to appreciate other people for that.

Given that part of our nature is the attraction toward other people, look for it in personal relationships, too. When we find things within our nature, they have a really tangible quality.

To tune into this, we have to get past any allergy to differences and instead, have an attitude of gratefulness for the way things are done differently, for the things that are done for me, and for the contribution to living that relationships provide. By living with this attitude, appreciation becomes a reflex. This takes awareness and being present.

Appreciation feeds on itself, by which I mean that to be appreciated is wonderful; it is to feel seen, and in that way, we feel connected to other people. I am grateful to Maude for being that way, and in turn, am appreciative of her.

Reading Corner

Here are a few of the posts we have written on how appreciation and acknowledgment open a path to peaceful relationships.

How to Strengthen Your Relationships with Appreciation and Acknowledgment “When it comes to friends and family, beware of familiarity. We are wired to pay attention to novelty and overlook the unchanging, so do not let your appreciation fade. Look for the positive, be grateful for the goodness in your life, and say so. Giving thanks reinforces the connection between us all.”

Why Relationships Last: Acceptance, Acknowledgment, Appreciation “It is an amazing feeling when someone truly sees you, hears you, and celebrates who you are; when the feedback you receive is acknowledging, accepting, and appreciative. There is a sense of warmth and relief that comes over you and a calm relaxation that engulfs you when you are offered this gift. This is the actual experience of peace that descends upon you when interactions are devoid of criticism, rejection, or attempts to change you. There is a similar experience of peacefulness within you when you can accept, acknowledge and appreciate the uniqueness, the otherness of someone you are relating to. When you approach them with this attitude, it changes you. When you experience actions or statements that are different from the way you usually act and can still recognize the commonality, it is transformative.”

3 Things That Every Person Wants in Their Relationships “In any relationship, it is important to be accepted for who we are, to be appreciated for who we are, and to be acknowledged for who we are. Most relationships will blossom when they have this group of responses as an underpinning. Let’s take a look at each one and what it means. Acceptance is the recognition of the uniqueness of the other person, that each of us is a totally different individual. Approach this difference as something good, not threatening, with the understanding that it is in fact enriching. Appreciation comes when you flip any negative association with difference and instead celebrate it. It contains the feeling that you treasure who the other person is, and that it widens your world to get to know them deeply. Acknowledgment is when you communicate to the other person that you see them, like the famous words in the film Avatar. You let them know that you truly see them and that who they are brings you joy and adds to who you are.”