Base Your Relationships On Connection Not Competition

There is so much more you can accomplish if you realize we are all in this together

Farm stand of free backyard produce. Photo credit: Maude Mayes

Hi, Phil and Maude here. We’ve been away on a celebratory trip, and are due back this weekend. Here’s a post from Phil that he wrote in advance of leaving.

PHIL: Several lifetimes ago, I shared a house with about a dozen other people. We had a budget and took turns cooking. There were issues like when to clean, what standard of cleanliness, whether contributions should be income-related, and how much cookware was used for food preparation, leaving lots for the dishwasher to do. I was struck by the parallels between our domestic issues and larger societal questions.

Those same parallels exist in all sorts of relationships, too.

We are a social species that needs to work together to survive, but like ants or bees, we are also individuals who may not agree with the choices of the group.

There are two models of society. The individual model has an underlying view of life that is based on competition. Darwin is invoked or implied: life is a struggle for resources, and only the fittest survive. The social model sees life as an interconnected web where cooperation operates both within and between species. The flower offers nectar and is pollinated in return; our microbiome thrives by helping us digest food; the animal kingdom recycles carbon for plants to reuse.

There is truth in both descriptions. Which one you have internalized as your model depends on what you were taught and what you have absorbed from the culture.

When issues arise in your relationships, does it invoke a scarcity model? One reason for this reaction is that, as children, our parents provided for us, and when we go out into the world, we carry remnants of that expectation into relationships. That need dissipates as we discover our strengths and capabilities.

But beyond that, if we hold the view that life is a competition, every issue will be taken as a struggle for resources, whether it is who uses the car, prepares the meals, or offers affection.

Certainly, competition happens when there is a struggle for limited physical needs, but they only occur at the base of Maslow’s hierarchy. Above that, love and caring are renewable resources, and a model of cooperation will serve you much better.

This is another way of saying what we have said elsewhere, that we always see ourselves as being on the same side.

MAUDE COMMENTS: This is a wonderful example of how choice can change your world. The key is to remember that you have a choice, and learn how to know it and exercise it. Do you want to live in a world populated by enemies and those you are afraid of? Do you want to limit your world by shrinking it down to those who you think are like you?

If not, it is possible to change your viewpoint. If you change your viewpoint, the same situations can exist, and your experience of them will be totally different. People who once appeared threatening can become dear friends, or at the very least, no longer appear menacing.

There is so much more you can accomplish if you realize we are all in this together. You can have a life of greater impact and the kind of peace that comes from feeling connected to others and to the world. The possibilities for service to one another open up, and the joy from these actions can carry you through many of life’s challenges.

Reading Corner

Here are some of our previous posts on different aspects of our connection to community.

Why It’s Important to Relate to Community as Well as Individuals “I have been reflecting since the recent event how deeply important it is to feel this type of connection and to have an awareness of not being isolated from it. None of us is alone. We live intertwined with one another, sharing services and depending on each other in a million tiny ways for our lives to function. As we foster peace within our individual relationships, we need to nurture the sense of community and our relationship to it as well. We have different options since the restrictions of Covid times brought us Zoom and the ability to meet up with each other without distance being an issue. As that way of being together evolved, it has created a whole new forum for us to become aware of each other and to share and support each other. This is also true of some social media, depending on how those avenues for interaction are used. In these current times, it is ever more important to foster these relationships and to find a sense of backing and support within community, as we each strive toward individual peaceful relationships.”

We Depend On Each Other, So Let’s Love One Another! “I have been thinking a lot about how society is structured. Everybody cooperates (literally “works together” from the Latin opus: work) by doing different activities and sharing the results. This is not obvious because cooperation is so much a part of what we are and so ubiquitous that it fades into the background. Instead, we see life in terms of competition and rugged individualism. Yet it is very difficult to live completely alone and have to do everything, like smelting iron, yourself. I’ve also been seeing more and more research showing that friends are good for your health. Putting the two together says to me that it is in our nature to value our connections with each other and be grateful for them, and this is what makes a community cohere. (An interesting word: it means both stick together and agree.)”

How We Create Peace in Our Relationship by Intending To Do So “Another source of our belief is the fact that people live in communities because they need each other to survive, both physically and emotionally. Relationships, from business to personal, are how we get those needs fulfilled. This is a cerebral argument, but it’s a useful idea that at base, you and your partner need the same things. Believing in a peaceful relationship is a challenge because of the prevailing common view that conflict is inevitable and even healthy. This idea is so easily accepted because we live in a capitalist society that reveres competition and free markets. You might say that couples also fight over limited resources, but a relationship is more about emotional needs which are not limited in the same way; when differences in a relationship arise, they are better handled with a mindset of community than competition.”

Hi. Thanks for joining us in our project to spread peace, one relationship at a time. It would be great to support us as a monthly or annual paid subscriber or buy us a coffee as a one-time contribution.